Some Days are Dark

I should be working on my schoolwork right now. I set goals for myself and I need to accomplish them. However, here I am writing about my pain. I recently studied Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. If all of your needs are not met in one level, you are stuck at that level. One of our basic physiological needs in the first level is to reproduce. This explains why Sean and I can’t just move past not being able to have children, but most times, are giving it our all and it is our focus.

I am not in a great place today. I went to a new OB yesterday and had to fill her in on my fertility history, which included our fertility journey. I was reminded of how we tried to get pregnant naturally (before we knew what we know now), each month was a rollercoaster as we hoped for a pregnancy. Then, how we endured sperm tests over the course of 9 months. I remembered how it was so final after the first test and then hope and possibility came after the second test. It was with that hope that we pursued IVF with ICSI. We knew going into it that we had a 5% chance of success and we accepted the challenge as it was our only way to have kids biologically. Eight eggs were retrieved after weeks of injections. Then, only one of those eggs fertilized. That dear little embryo did not make it past a Day 3 formation. What a sobering day when we got that news!

Many people have been complaining about how bad 2020 is. 2020 is a walk in the park for me compared to 2019. 2019 was really dark after receiving that news in February of 2019. Also, I developed a mild form of OHSS a few hours after egg retrieval. I gained 5 pounds of fluid in my abdomen, which suggests internal bleeding of the ovaries. The fluid moved up through my abdomen and crossed the diaphragm, which caused excruciating neck pain. Within a few days, the fluid started decreasing but I felt that neck pain whenever I laughed for at least 6 months after that day. It was not as bad as it had been in the beginning, but it was there and worried me. My PCP had no experience with IVF and its’ side effects and did not really take that pain seriously. She said there was only an issue if I was having frequent hiccups, which I was. I told her this, but she still just ignored my complaints. The pain is no longer an issue, but it was a frustrating experience. The aggressive hiccups still occur. Two weeks after egg retrieval, I caught the flu and was down for a week. Then, a week after that, I got kidney stones. The doctor said that the fluid in my abdomen plus the flu had dehydrated my body and my body’s reaction to dehydration was kidney stones. Kidney stones were excruciatingly painful. We learned that my body does not do well with IVF and it may be risky to do it again.

So, began many sad months of grieving our loss of not having biological children. There are days where that reality hits again – like when you have to relive your fertility history with your new OB and it kicks you down- and I have to take the time to grieve. I have not shared every detail of the medical prognosis but it is really dim. It would truly be a miracle if we were to ever conceive. We are hoping that God will perform a miracle one day and we are not ruling that out, but we also grieve the reality.

We moved to Texas and then started pursuing adoption a year ago. All of my friends have had children, except one couple. All of my cousins who are married have had children and then some who aren’t. All of the women in my infertility group have had children, except one. All of our married brothers and sisters have had kids. Everyone is living their lives. This journey just feels really lonely and hopeless at times. We set goals at the beginning of the year every year. Last year, all of our goals were accomplished except having a baby. All of our 2020 goals have been accomplished so far except having a baby. I hate to post a sad, sappy pity party kind of post, but I feel like we have been doing all of the right things. I wonder when it is going to be our turn. We have been on this journey so long, it almost feels abstract- like we are working toward a goal that we can’t see or touch and it’s just hard to imagine sometimes if it’s really going to happen.

We have overcome so much. So many odds have been against us. We have grown so much and I am so thankful. Yet, I feel forgotten. I know it will all happen in the right timing, but when will the timing be right for us? When will it be our turn? Plenty of undeserving people get their turn. I don’t understand today. Today, I am struggling.

Also, it’s not fair for my husband either. His number one goal in life was to be a father. He is SO good with kids. I hate that this is being withheld from him.

So, what’s next? I already journaled and read my Bible. Now, I am blogging. Next, I will listen to worship music, pray, and try to snap myself out of it. I will be successful in doing so. I already know that. God will show up and help me.

I feel a little guilty writing an entry like this because I don’t think it does justice to how faithful God has been to us and continues to be. But I remember that David cried out many a time in the Psalms- pouring out the darkness he was battling to the Lord. He poured out his heart to God and also praised Him in his circumstances, even when he didn’t understand. Even when he was desperate for God to move and was not seeing it happen quite yet. It’s ok to be real and to share the darkness you’re battling with- with community and with God. It doesn’t detract from Him. It’s ok to be human and to struggle.

What stands between us having a kid through adoption right now? A $20K adoption loan and the right situation. Even if we had the loan, God would have to orchestrate the right scenario and those birth parents would have to choose us. It would have to line up. He can do it. I know one day this journey will all make sense and work out. I believe a ministry will be born out of it one day.

Things are not always sunshine and rainbows over here. There are hard days. Thankfully, it doesn’t last as long as it used to. All in all, I am living my best life right now. I am grateful for all of the good in my life. Things look impossible right now, but I have to believe for a breakthrough. A miraculous breakthrough. Faith is all I have.

Please keep praying for us. I hope people are actually praying for us. We need it. In the meantime, I am going to keep asking God to grow us in whatever ways are necessary to be ready for children. He will get us through. The dream will come.