The Meaning in Grief

I made a commitment to myself and to God to blog once a month about our adoption story. I realized it is a really hard commitment to uphold because there are things that I have not fully processed, things that I don’t want to write about, and things that are raw that I don’t want to open up to scrutiny. I always try to look for the lessons in a season. It helps the season to become meaningful for me. I listened to an episode of Brene Brown’s podcast “Unlocking Us”. She and the guest speaker, David Kessler, discussed grief and finding meaning in grief. David worked closely with Elizabeth Kubler- Ross who coined the 5 stages of grief. After David’s young son passed, he asked Elizabeth’s family if he could add the 6th stage of grief- meaning. The stages are actually not linear, but can appear in a different order for each person. Also, you don’t hit one stage and then graduate to the next. You can move back and forth between stages. For anyone who has grieved, you know that grief never truly, fully goes away. You become different and there is a new normal. This is the nature of suffering. I digress. What I learned in this podcast is that finding meaning in grief is one of the stages of grief- a newly coined stage that has been a very real part of my journey. I’ve heard the saying “God does not waste anything”. If I can grow in some way through the journey, then I feel all of this pain was not wasted. It was not for nothing. I have not found the meaning yet in our most recent letdown. I am in some other stage.

In May, my husband and I finally said yes to an adoption situation. We were able to because we personally put a lot of money in savings last month and then so many truly kind, supportive folks donated to our GoFundMe. Also, this situation was a little cheaper than the others. We are still talking $41,500, but that is cheaper than other situations we have seen. This allowed us to be able to say yes for the first time. We were elated!! The way it works is you receive an adoption profile of a birth mom and after careful consideration, you decide to “present” to the birth mom. Your profile book is sent to the birth mom amongst other hopeful, adoptive families’ profile books. The birth mom has two weeks to decide which family she wants to choose to raise her baby (she can also decide that she does not want any of the adoptive families and request more candidates). This was the first birth mom that we felt we had similarities with- physical similarities, similar interests and hobbies, and similar ideologies. Also, I felt certain that she would choose us. I definitely knew the odds that were stacked against us and truly understood the reality of the situation- that she might not choose us. However; I felt that there was no way that she wouldn’t with so many similarities between us. I let myself dream. The baby was due in a few months. I already felt behind and started nesting immediately. I created a baby registry and asked for advice. We started reading our parenting books a little more. We prayed for the birth mama every night and for her little bundle of joy. We were and are so ready.

It’s not really real until she says yes, though. We received an email a couple of weeks ago that she chose another family. I have actually been pretty numb about it. I guess that is the stage of grief I am in. We did pray that if this was not the right situation, God would protect us from it. So, I felt like that was part of it. The other part of me just feels like this is how our journey goes. Every time we are really close to expanding our family- so close where we can almost touch it, the sand falls through our fingers. I am used to that. So, used to it that I have just felt numb.

We have put most of our other dreams on hold over the last several years. Once one avenue for having children goes away, we pursue another dream for a short time or go on a short trip to decompress. Then, we turn our attention back to family growth. I will say I have been numb about the particular situation, but not about our journey overall. I have wanted to quit. Not necessarily because it’s getting harder. I guess it’s because the journey just keeps getting longer. I feel stuck in a lot of areas because it is hard to change any other area of your life when you are going through a fertility/ adoption journey. It is an emotional rollercoaster and it is hard to commit to anything other than surviving while on it. Surviving for me looks like being excellent at my job. I don’t have the capacity to do more than be good at my job and be on this adoption rollercoaster. If other things happen in my life outside of that, I just don’t have the capacity to handle it the way I would have before I was on this family growth journey. The journey takes all of you. Survival is a must so the two must go hand in hand.

I have been really close to just quitting all together lately. Not totally sure what that looks like, but laying in bed curled up in a ball is one of the ways that comes to mind. I haven’t fully done that because there is always too much to do but it is a fantasy I indulge in.

I think folks are really feeling what it is like to be in a season without an end date with the Covid crisis. Life has totally shifted for so many. We are locked up in our homes learning about George Floyd. Many are heartbroken over that, including me. All of it together kind of reminds me of the sorrow, uncertainty, and helplessness of a fertility/ adoption journey. I hope no one thinks I am insensitive for saying that- just trying to draw a comparison.

I said this in my last blog and I will say it again- memes and cliches don’t really help. If you are going to share something with someone, really sit with yourself and ask yourself if I was on the receiving end of this, how would I feel? Would it actually help me? Sometimes we want to respond with something because it makes us uncomfortable not to say anything helpful so we dig around for memes and cliches. Then, we feel relieved when we share them with someone because it relieves our discomfort. But you really have to ask yourself, is this helping me or them? True story. I find that actual scripture shared helps or when someone says something like “I know this is hard. It’s ok to be sad. You are so strong. I am sorry. I am praying for you, etc etc”. This is something that I am working on in my interactions when others are going through something. I am not perfect at it. It is truly something that is not natural for most people and that you have to work at. I will tell you that it is so worth it to put in the work because when I receive messages from folks who are truly “sitting in it” with me, it helps.

Things are not totally sad. I am truly blessed in so many areas. I have a loving, trust filled marriage, a precious furbaby, and a beautiful home. We have the best family and friends. Mine and Sean’s families have been supportive, faith filled, and encouraging. My friends have been so supportive and stuck with me through this long rollercoaster for which I am forever grateful. I know it is not easy. There are many things to be thankful for.

I am not sure if this blog is helpful for anyone. If it helps you, please let me know. Part of me feels like I am just pouring my grief out into a blog and I am not sure if that is helpful for anyone or not. Today’s blog is definitely more raw. I feel like previous blogs were more “lesson filled”, but I have not found the meaning yet. I am praying for breakthrough. I ask that you would pray with me. We really need breakthrough in our journey.  

A Longing Fulfilled is a Tree of Life

My last blog started with the first part of a scripture- “Hope deferred makes the heart sick…”. The rest of that scripture is “… but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”- Proverbs 13:12.

Sean and I have been together for almost 7 years (in 5 days) and 5.5 years married. We found out in December of 2017 right before Christmas that conceiving biological children would most likely be impossible- even with IVF (Now, I say to that “but God”). Sean had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma cancer when he was 9 and it greatly impacted his fertility. This was a HUGE hit for us on so many levels. We spent the next several months reeling from the blow. Then, in June 2018, Sean had an exploratory procedure that revealed that we may have a shot at IVF with ICSI. We started working with the clinic in August 2018 to prepare for IVF. They were incredibly unorganized but were the only clinic within an hour of where we lived so we had no choice but to use them. I know others who have had great experiences with this clinic, but I believe they had an influx of patients and were unable to excellently handle the workload at the time we started pursuing IVF with them. Due to several setbacks, we were unable to actually start the first part of IVF, which is preparation for egg retrieval, until February 2019. You can read in detail how that played out for us in my last blog post (Holding Space-Feb 2020). To make a long, painful story short, egg retrieval ended in heart break as NO viable embryos were formed. Thousands of dollars lost on a bed of dead dreams. Also, I endured several health issues from the egg retrieval process.

We were very confused. We felt that it was revealed to us through the exploratory procedure that we had a shot at making viable embryos- a glimmer of hope- and it just ended in nothing. We wondered why hope had been revealed if nothing was produced. People gave to our IVF GoFundMe, family donated separately, and we put in thousands of our own savings. We placed all of our faith in God and in the viability of the embryos, even when it looked dismal, and it still did not work out. The finality of this blow was much more real than the first time around when we received news in December 2017. There really were/ are no other options for us to have biological children outside of that option and it was incredibly unsuccessful. We went to work each day giving 100% and licked our wounds in the evenings and weekends. Cooking, cleaning, and socializing were all pushed aside.

Two months after our loss, we went to church on Easter Sunday 2019. We were still reeling from the blow and the light was not breaking through. There was a guest speaker who preached a sermon titled “Adopted by Love”. He talked about the Father’s heart for adopted children- how the adopted have more legal rights in the New Testament than the biological children, how the Father chooses the adopted child, and how God’s love mirrors that for us. The pastor had all TEN of his children there. He asked them to stand up- they were all different colors, some biological and some adopted. He shared testimonies of how his adopted children came into his family. Also, he and his wife started an adoption agency in Kansas (I think) because they felt that most agencies made the process so difficult and expensive so they wanted to offer a better way (We have looked into their agency but they do not offer out-of-state adoptions). The sermon was incredibly profound for us and I knew while listening that we were called to adopt. It was like the sun started parting the clouds for me. Sean felt the same thing, but I think God knows Sean better than anyone so He didn’t stop there.

The church we attended, Jesus Culture, was a church plant in the area and we were sitting in the bleachers because church was in a high school gym that day. A little girl around one and a half with curly brown hair was running on the floor below the bleachers. Her mom was chasing her around, which was kind of funny to watch. This little girl was so cute that every time she ran by, you had to crack a smile. Sean pointed her out to me twice in the service and we shared a moment laughing together. We realized that she and her family were sitting in the row behind us. During services, Sean usually takes the paper bulletins and makes origami flowers or animals. Then, after the service, will give the gift to a child or elderly person sitting near us. This day was no different. He made an origami lily and after the service, we walked over to the family and he gave the flower to the girl’s mom to give to her. Her mom immediately started crying. We stood there not really knowing what was going on. Then, she pulled herself together and said, “I’m sorry- she’s adopted”. The service really impacted her and when Sean gave her the flower, it sent the message. Now, more to be revealed later about the flower. In that moment, Sean broke down and I started tearing up. We had entertained the idea of adopting, but had a lot of fear about it and did not have peace about pursuing that yet. Sean really struggles with doubt from time to time so I felt that God was not only having us hear a sermon about adoption, but was bringing everything full circle- to end the moment with meeting a family that we had been watching and finding out that their daughter was adopted. I feel like we both had this thought- “we could love a little a girl like that as our own”. It made the idea of adoption much more tangible for us. I regained my composure and told the family that we were now crying because we had just had an unsuccessful IVF attempt in February and had been considering adoption and that this moment was really powerful for us. At this point, everyone is crying or tearing up. We talked to them for 30 minutes and decided to meet them for lunch the following Sunday after church to learn more about their story.

I won’t share their entire story here because I feel that is theirs to share, but I will share the part that pertains to us. They revealed to us at that lunch that they had been considering adopting another child, a girl who they would name Lily, and were praying about it. After the service, Sean walked up to give them an origami lily. They felt in that moment that God had confirmed for them that they were supposed to adopt another baby. Also, in that moment, God was fully confirming for us that were supposed to adopt a baby. It was a full circle moment for both families and I believe it is not a moment you can explain away as coincidence but points to the fact that God is real, He is moving, He is in the midst of your brokenness, He is involved in the details, He is present, and He is still moving TODAY. He is not the God of yesterday, but He can be active in your life if you are willing to be receptive.

I have not felt led to share this story on social media until today, but I felt God prompting me to “share your story”. So, I believe this is for someone in their current season. This is the deal- you can receive a word from God, but it also requires walking it out. Walking it out in faith is hard. Also, some words are for a season and can change. I say that mainly to bring freedom to those who are trapped in living out things that are no longer their calling (but I do not feel that really applies to us in this situation). So, always be in tune- listening for what next steps are.

Once this Easter moment occurred, we were free. I mean we really had a breakthrough in our daily grief. We knew what our next steps were, we had peace and joy, and we could decompress a little. We decided it was the right timing to pursue another dream of moving to Texas, which we did this past summer. Once we were all settled in our rental, we started pursuing adoption. It has been a long, grueling process. They make you jump through more hoops than is imaginable and it is incredibly, excruciatingly expensive. BUT God. We recently purchased a home and were able to do so without touching our adoption funds. We were not planning to purchase at all, even though it was something we wanted, but it all worked out. We are excited because we will have a permanent home to raise baby in. Also, as a statement of faith, we will be setting up our nursery soon.

Fertility and adoption are journeys that require intense faith. You really have to press in when things get hard and make space for grief and self-care or you just won’t make it. Many are experiencing in this COVID season what it is like to be in a season that you are unsure of when it will end. It seems like life is stuck on hold and there is no real end date. Imagine living this way for years. Imagine believing that a season will end for years and experiencing setbacks all along the way- receiving positive news then negative news, but never the actual thing you are believing for. Sometimes I entertain the idea of quitting, living on a more relaxed budget, and going on international vacations. Sometimes I entertain being free of the burden.  However; you cannot give up. You have to press through because if you give up, you will not have children. The stakes are really high in our circumstances. Fighting to stay in the right mindset is necessary and a constant battle.  

Prior to learning about our fertility issues, we paid off over $30K in debt excluding our student loans. We work really hard and live a financially conscious lifestyle. We make good financial decisions and have great credit. To pursue IVF and adoption in less than 3 years has caused sacrifice. People will do anything for their children and so will we- as we are now doing. However; most people don’t have to spend $65K over 3 years to accomplish having children (to clarify we have not spent all of that money yet, but most likely will by the end unless God intervenes). Everyone has their own hard and this is ours. It has been a refining process. It has been a humbling process. Even with all of our good planning and financial stability, this is not a burden we can carry alone. We have had to invite people into this journey. That has been hard. It requires vulnerability to invite people into your pain- to have to depend on people for prayer and counseling. It requires vulnerability and humility to invite people into your story and fundraise by selling handmade bath salts and sugar scrubs.

I feel like the last bit of pride was stripped away this weekend. For at least a month, Sean’s co-workers have been telling him to make a GoFundMe. They felt like we would get a large response throughout the school he works at and the community and did not understand why we hadn’t done it yet. It was mainly because of my pride. I told him that people contributed to our IVF GoFundMe and I just could not handle reaching out in that way again. I just didn’t want to ask again. I didn’t want people to get the impression that we were not working our booties off over here trying to make this happen and were just expecting a hand-out. Also, I felt that we asked during IVF and that we had just maxed out our network- like people were not willing to contribute anymore. Typing this out, I feel like that was a lie from the enemy I was believing that was keeping us from blessing. And keeping others from blessing. Also, when we opened up during our IVF journey, people would message me saying things like “Have you tried chiropractic?” “I have these great supplements that you can take” “Have you tried this or that?” It was like we had opened our story up to be scrutinized and that was really hard. We are intelligent. We tried all of the things. I wanted to be like “Oh, does chiropractic or your supplements create viable sperm?” LOL! It is absurd and yet these were the kinds of messages I was receiving. Disclaimer: We love chiropractic and are on great supplements. Even when we were moving to Texas, people were like “Maybe you’ll get pregnant because you will be happier there”. *Insert sarcasm* Sure because happiness is the reason we are not pregnant now.  I was scared that when we went public about ABL that we would get the same kind of questions, which is a lot to handle. Now, I understand that people say all of these things because they are trying to help. The burden is a big one- there is not an easy solution and people feel the weight of that. It makes them uncomfortable so they want to try to solve it. There is just not an easy solution to our situation. I digress. I finally said yes to starting a GoFundMe after Sean’s co-workers pressed him to once again. And I am glad that I did. Sean forwarded me the below message that his co-worker sent out to the school that Sean works at.

From Taylor:

“Hey Guys!

These are crazy stressful, often depressing, times. I read a great post on Instagram the other day. It said, “when things don’t seem to be going right for you, find a way to be a blessing to someone else.” One of our own, Sean Gill, has been working hard for years to be able to provide a loving home to a baby. As we all know, adoption is incredibly expensive and this pandemic is not making things any easier. With the stimulus checks starting to come in, I’d like to challenge those who can to donate may be a few dollars to Sean’s Go Fund Me. Let your few dollars be like ripples in a pond to help this family! Feel free to share this post with your friends, family, churches, fan clubs, adult softball teams, prayer chains, next door pages, etc. and challenge them to do the same! Let’s work together to foster some positive energy and pour blessings on to this deserving family. Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Let’s do this!”

Ya’ll! This touched my heart so deeply that someone who we have only known for a few months is entreating others wholeheartedly to support us in this journey. In the last 2 days, we have received 3 times what we raised in two months of our handmade bath salts/ sugar scrubs fundraiser. It reminds me of the story in Matthew chapter 6 where Jesus takes a boy’s 5 loaves of bread and 2 small fish and multiplies it. I feel that we have been doing everything that we know to do, we are giving all that we have to do this, and it has not been enough, but God said “I will multiply this”. I believe He will continue moving in this. I have to remember that the One who told us to adopt will PROVIDE. Yes, we will keep working hard, saving money, applying for grants, running the bath salts/ sugar scrubs fundraiser once the stay-home orders lift, but I believe God wanted us to invite community into this in a greater way. To see the response to our GoFundMe has been overwhelming. There are people donating that I don’t even know.

Sean and I have made it our goal to be givers, even though we are pushing toward this goal of adoption. We tithe monthly (which was hard at first), we give to human trafficking efforts through Answer International, we support a child through World Vision, we give to those in need around us as we are made aware, and we try to serve at our church’s food bank as our schedules allow. I don’t say this to toot our horns, but I want to say it as a challenge. When you give, you receive a blessing, as well. I believe because we are givers, God blesses our finances. We constantly receive refund checks when we are over-charged. I did not start noticing this until we started tithing. I believe God wanted us to invite community into this because miracles are supposed to be a community thing. It requires more than just you. The paralyzed man in Luke 5 was carried to where Jesus was by his 4 crazy friends. They got to experience the miracle just as the paralyzed man did. His ability to walk was restored right before their eyes- he received the miracle of walking and they received the miracle of greater faith. I believe that while I was trying to hold our burden on our own shoulders- not letting many in for a while, that God wanted us to share the burden because miracles are a community experience. When others see it, it builds their faith.

If you have been following our journey, you will probably notice that this blog is a little different than my normal posts. It is filled with faith. The reason why is because your giving to our GoFundMe has encouraged me. I feel like we are not alone in this. The burden is lifting a little without us being the only ones to raise it. It has recharged me with faith for the future and reminded me of why I need to stay in faith and why I need to be more open about this journey and let others in- because burdens were not meant to be carried alone and when you allow others to give and be a part, they get to experience the blessing of a miracle. When you deprive people of the ability to give, you rob them of their blessing and perhaps the building of their faith. It takes faith and community to accomplish things that are bigger than you.

My word for this year was breakthrough. I felt that this year would be a breakthrough year in all areas accompanied by miracles. We have already seen that with our new house. I am believing we will see that with our baby- that we will bring a healthy, happy baby home in 2020 that is the right situation in all areas.

Thank you all for your support! I just wanted to let everyone know how encouraging it has been for me!! It lifted me up. We are thankful for you.

One last thing- I believe that if everyone who came across our GoFundMe link gave $10, we would hit our goals. I am believing for big things- for a miracle. Also, I believe that if people don’t give, God will make it happen some other way. As I said before, He is the one who inspired us with this dream and He is the one who will PROVIDE. Watch Him work and be a part of the miracle, if you feel led. What God starts, He will finish.

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Holding Space

“Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick…”

There are high and low moments in a fertility journey. People have compassion and love to hear how you overcame, but few people know how to hold space for the low moments when you are in them. So, those moments of discouragement and grief are sparingly shared. You learn to share once you’ve overcome or reached a milestone, but not always in between. However; I felt compelled to share my thoughts today.

Friday, February 22nd 2019 was the day we found out that the one little embryo that we created- the one that all of our hopes rested in, the only child we have ever “conceived”(if you can call it that), did not make it. It did not fully develop to be a Day 3 embryo. I want to tell this story.

I started one of the most intense projects of my career thus far in January of 2019. I was happy to support in this project and thankful for the opportunity to grow. At the beginning of February 2019, we started the IVF process. It had taken us six months of preparation with the clinic to get to this point. Not to mention a stringent budget, fundraising, and $5,000 of meds that would expire so we decided to stick to the plan. Starting the IVF process looked like 2-3 hormone injections a day for me. I hate needles but endured that for the goal. It’s kind of wild- your tummy starts expanding like you are pregnant because of the egg follicles enlarging. This routine lasted for about two weeks- injections in the morning and evening.

I was quite proud of myself during this time. Even though I was in the midst of a high-pressure work project, I did not allow myself to get emotional or distracted. I focused 120% when I was at work and even worked a lot of overtime during this time to ensure things went smoothly. I really care about what I do! We completed egg retrieval at the clinic. Only one embryo was created from all of the money, hard work, preparation, hope, and literal blood, sweat, and tears. ONE. This little embryo had to make it through a few more phases to be considered viable. So, our hope was planted in this little guy.

Shortly after egg retrieval, I endured scary, painful side effects having developed a mild case of OHSS (which is actually very serious). I won’t go into all of the details because that’s really not important now. What we learned from the side effects I developed is that this was probably the last time we would do IVF given its’ impact on my health. I was supposed to fly to Boise for work that week and the doctor finally cleared me the day before, which was a huge relief.

I flew to Idaho on a Thursday. While I was in the San Diego airport, I received the call that it did not seem like our little embryo was progressing anymore. They said in these cases they like to wait for 24 hours to see if anything will change so they would call with the final news the next day. I cried a little in the airport, ate some food, boarded my plane, and worked from my laptop because like I said I was in the midst of one of the biggest projects of my career which would climax once I arrived in Boise. I got off of the plane, worked several hours of OT to make sure that everything would go smoothly, and then I ate dinner with some co-workers.

The next day was the big event- a 40 person branch move from one location to another, and I was the point person. I went to the first site, met with all parties, set things in motion, ensured everything was going smoothly, and then after a few hours went to the other site. On my drive to the other site, the clinic called to say that our embryo did not progress. It was a done deal. A dead dream- the dream of biological children that we both made. That was really hard news. I cried while driving, pulled myself together, and finished that branch move like the BADASS that I am!!!  No one had any idea that I was going through anything.

That evening, I received a text that my sister-in-law was going into labor with my little nephew. On the same day that our little embryo was declared no more, another who would be very dear to us was beginning his birth into the world. The news stung, but it was also exciting and long awaited!

That’s how a fertility journey goes. It is having joy for others while your joy is extinguished. It is watching others’ dreams come true while yours die. It is being truly happy and excited for another and sharing in that joy, but also mourning your loss.

I went to dinner with some of my favorite people the next night. Since I had not shared with anyone at work that I was going through IVF yet, people were asking questions about when Sean and I were going to have children. Since I was coming off of hormone injections and just suffered an incredible loss, it took all of the self-control I had to not get emotional. Then, in that same sitting, I received the text that my sweet nephew was born. So many emotions involved in moments like that.

I was in Idaho for work for 7 days. I worked my booty off every day exerting excellence in everything I did. I did eventually fill some of my co-workers in during my trip and did have a brief moment of emotion. I cried in my hotel room every night over our loss and what that meant for us. Having received the news while being away from home, I did not really get to grieve with my husband until I got back to California.

Intense is an understatement. I caught the flu on my way home from Idaho and was down for about 7 days. However; I worked from home for most of that time. Then, I got kidney stones about a week after that. The doctors said it was from dehydration caused by the flu and OHSS from IVF. Basically, it was the perfect storm for kidney stones. Kidney stones were probably my lowest low during this time. OHSS was really painful, the flu sucked, kidney stones were horrible, and losing your only embryo- devastating.

I only missed 4 days of work while going through egg retrieval and OHSS, the flu, and kidney stones. 4 days total taken off in a 5 month period although these events occurred over a 2 month span. Why? Because I am a BADASS. I have to say that because during this time, I realized that I am really strong. I always knew that I was, but I believe that if I can go through all of that and show up every single day giving 100% there is literally nothing that I can’t do. Nothing.

Now, after covering that I am badass, I have to give credit to God because He is the reason I am strong. He is the One that should get the glory. If it was not for His presence and strength in my life, I could not have done any of that.

This is a part of our fertility journey. A really small glimpse of one of the extreme lows of the past 3 years. I guess I felt that I needed to honor our little guy in some way- by telling his story. I like to think our embryo was a “he”. I want to honor him because he gave us hope on what had been a hopeless journey. We made him, which is so special to me. It did not work out and I am sure there is a good reason.

Suffering refines you. It humbles the prideful, ensures that you realize you have no real control, and causes you to empathize with others more than criticize. To clarify, it is refining when you are trying to learn and grow throughout the journey and when you are holding close to God. If you choose to get bitter (as that is a choice) or not press in to your breakthrough (which requires staying in faith), refining does not happen. Your suffering is wasted. Many people say that suffering is never wasted. I think in most cases that is true, but I do believe that if you choose to not grow, trust, and believe; you can get stuck. Sometimes people never become unstuck or cannot see the nuggets that were obtained during the hardship. I believe in those scenarios suffering is not refining you and it is a waste. God doesn’t cause the suffering, but I do believe He can use those things to refine you. When you press into Him and look for what you can learn, then suffering is not wasted. This is a really layered topic, but no matter what choices are made in suffering; there is always redemption. It is never too late for a loss to become refining.

Personally, I have been through too damn much on this rollercoaster of a journey to let any tear be wasted. I choose to press forward. I choose to grow. I choose to stay in faith, which is a REAL battle at times.

What is the lesson in this story for me? There are so many. It is ok to hold space for grief. Even though I worked really hard at work, all of my down time at home was about self-care. I really nursed those wounds. I grieved with my husband. I gave myself a break for two months in my home because I realized we had been through a lot. We ordered a lot of Door Dash. I did not clean as much as usual. We relaxed a lot more. I prayed, journaled, listened to worship. I waited for a breakthrough while trying to do all of the things that I felt were self- care. I learned who I can trust and who is with me in the darkness. I learned who I can share my deepest pain with and who I cannot.

People, including myself, have a hard time knowing what to say when someone shares something painful. People tend to respond with “at least” or some dumb cliché or a grasp at silver linings or “one day it’ll happen”. It’s hard to know what to say. I’ve found that when someone just says “I know this is hard” or something that acknowledges the weight of your burden, it does so much more for your heart. Encouraging words have their place but so do holding space for someone’s grief and just acknowledging it. It’s like saying “I see you and your pain is not lost on me”.

This weekend was filled with so many fun things. A date night, night out with my brother-in-law, sister-in- law, and nephew, house hunting, seeing my happy, fun, awesome nephew on his one year birthday. Life is good!! And yet, I have to hold space for grief.

That is the picture of a fertility journey. And also, a grief journey. I’ve spoken with many people who have experienced grief for different reasons. Grief does not go away. Life just becomes different. It comes in waves amidst joy. You grow, you enlarge, you gain wisdom and insight…. And in the case of a fertility journey- you wait and you wait some more.

I want to end this on a good note because that is what you’re “supposed to do”. However; I think I will just say that I am holding space for grief tonight and honoring our loss. I am sure hope will come again.

Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

  • Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
  • Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.