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For This Child I Have Prayed, and The Lord Has Heard My Prayer

The Story of Samuel

I have been trying to find time to write Samuel’s adoption story for several weeks, but I have a newborn (haha). He is 8 weeks old now and we are just so incredibly blessed. I recently looked through a photo album I am creating of him and several times I said, “That was the best day of my life.” Multiple days have been the best days of my life and I realize that we are living the best days of our lives right now. Really, we are living days that I dreamed of and prayed for. I pray that this blog entry really gives glory to God and paints an accurate picture of the journey, as well.

If you have been following our journey, you know that the story of Samuel has been 5 years in the making. He was totally unexpected and a much needed blessing. Words cannot adequately express our gratitude in this season.

We are foster- to- adopt licensed. We had reopened our home in January to foster after grieving for about 3 months due to our foster babies going back home. We felt ready to receive more children but due to new fostering legislation that rolled out in the Fall in Texas, placements had significantly decreased statewide. So, our home had been open and unoccupied since January. We were really struggling with an empty house, no progress on expanding our family, and wondering what was going on. Now, we know what was going on- God was making us available for Samuel!

Usually annually someone will reach out through the grapevine to see if we want to adopt a child of an expectant mother in what would be a private adoption. In all our years of this journey, this has never worked out for us. The expectant moms end up aborting, placing their babies with a family member, or keeping the baby. I will say that hearing of the abortions has been the hardest when we have been so willing to care for a child and give him everything he needs. In those cases, it seems so unnecessary. In January, we received a call about two precious toddlers that was not the right fit for our family. Saying no was hard. In February, we heard of another possible adoption of an unborn child that did not seem to pan out. I was really emotional about the February situation not working out because I felt like it was the right situation. In March, two days before Samuel was born, we heard of another possible newborn adoption. Three possible adoption situations in three months was not the norm for us. Once we received the third call, I told Sean, “I think God is trying to give us a baby.” And He was. When I said that, I assumed that it would be the March adoption situation that worked, but it was actually the February situation!

So, the 2nd potential adoption situation that we heard of in February was actually about Samuel. This was roughly 3 weeks before he was born. Sean’s mom, Ms. Shayla, was calling expectant mothers to participate in a supportive program in her church. She called Samuel’s bio mom who said she was not in need of the program because she was planning to place him for adoption. Ms. Shayla asked if she had chosen an adoptive family and she had not. She told her of our journey and our desire to adopt and asked if it would be ok if we reached out to her and she said YES. You cannot imagine our excitement when we heard this news. We called her that evening and she asked if she could call us back, but she never did. We sent a follow up text, but no response. A couple of days later, I was sitting in church and I felt like we were not supposed to give up. I called Sean’s mom after church and we decided that she would reach out again since she was the initial point- of- contact. No response. Several days later, I still felt like we were not supposed to give up. I felt like God was putting it on my heart. I reached out via text myself and shared parts of my past that were painful but were common ground for us. No response. At this point, I decided that I shouldn’t keep reaching out because she obviously was not interested. I felt like perhaps I had been led by my emotions to not give up. As you can tell, it really was God who pressed that on my heart!

Fast forward three weeks later and we received a call on a Wednesday about a different adoption situation- a baby who had recently been born. I didn’t feel the same peace about the situation as I had about the February one, but I was excited about the possibility. As I said before, I told Sean, “I think God is trying to give us a baby.” Then, on Friday morning, March 11th, we received a life changing text. Samuel’s bio mom texted us both stating that she had birthed Samuel while in route to the hospital and asked if we still wanted to adopt him to which we replied YES!!! He was born at Hallelujah Junction. I don’t think this was a coincidence, but was truly providential. Samuel is God’s miracle and he is also our hallelujah! He has a destiny. God has a plan for him.

That evening, we talked to his bio mom on the phone for about an hour and had a very emotional conversation. She really did want us to adopt him! It was a surreal moment in a now long line of surreal moments. At the end of our conversation, she asked, “Do you want to come meet your son?” to which we replied, “So, you may not know this but we live in Texas. Is that ok with you?” We were worried about her response, but she was totally fine with it.

We booked flights that night for the next evening. It was the only flight left and was comprised of 3 planes to get there and would arrive in Reno around midnight. Also, we quickly got a CA adoption lawyer. That evening, we received a call from a hospital social worker baring some difficult news. It was a miracle that we already had a lawyer when we received this call because it saved Samuel in a sense. I won’t go into all of the details for everyone’s privacy, but just know that God did a miracle in this part of the story. Our lawyers were on the phone on a Friday night with this social worker working hard to advocate for us and Samuel. I just find that to be truly outstanding that it was a Friday night, we had just signed with them, and they were willing to go to bat for us and him by sacrificing part of their night off. By the next day, the issues were resolved and God had secured his future.

We spent that evening until midnight gathering paperwork for our lawyers and agency. We reached out to our home study agent around 7:00 pm because we needed an updated home study before we left TX (a tall order), and she was willing to do it the next morning- another miracle! Also, we were able to use clearances from our state home study- another miracle! We had to update our home study the next morning, pack suitcases for ourselves and Samuel, and I knew mine and Samuel’s suitcases needed to be enough for 2-3 weeks. We arranged for Sean’s little brother to house/ dog sit. It was really like hitting the ground running!

Samuel’s packed suitcase

I had grown weary of everyone saying our family would grow in God’s timing, but that is exactly what happened. The timing was absolutely perfect! We had felt God call us to adopt three years prior and we had pursued it faithfully. During the last several months, I had been substituting, which has been a redemptive experience for me. So, when we got the call, I didn’t have to ask off of work. Also, I get to stay home with Samuel for several months, which wouldn’t be possible if I had been working full time. Also, we received the call on the last day of school before Spring Break so Sean did not have to request off of work and he was able to stay in California with us for a week. He has a new job so had the timing not been perfect, it would not have worked out for him to go. It was incredibly perfect timing! Also, Samuel was born on my brother’s birthday, March 11th.

By early Saturday evening, we were up in the air and on our way to Reno, NV. We arrived in Reno around midnight. Samuel’s bio mom said we could come down to meet him so we did. We met our son that Saturday evening! Words cannot express our joy. He was so tiny and beautiful! We loved him instantly.

The next morning, we bought an infant stroller/ car seat combo that was 50 percent off- another miracle! We felt so blessed by this because it’s an awesome Graco set that is really easy to use. We were blown away by the discount. We brought breakfast, coffee, and a peace lily to the hospital for his bio mom. We spent 3 hours with her and it was everything I hoped it would be. I felt like we all bonded. Sean and I each had moments with her individually and collectively. We learned about her life and she learned about ours. I was able to ask questions that Samuel may want to know later on. I felt a special peace and it seemed like a special time. The hospital was going to let us take Samuel into another room and stay overnight with him. They came to let us know that it was ready. We gave her time and space to say goodbye to Samuel while we ran an errand for her. When we got back, we gave her more time and then the nurses brought him over when she was ready. We really tried to be respectful of the gravity of what was occurring and I just feel like the whole experience was what everyone needed- that everyone’s needs were met. This felt like another miracle! We had prayed for this to go well and it had. Also, she let us name him and choose if he would be vaccinated and circumcised. Another blessing!

Our 2nd family picture
“For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has heard my prayer. “1 Samuel 1:27
Introducing Samuel James Gill! 💙
Born 3/11/2022 (my brother’s bday)
6 lbs. 14 oz.
19 inches long
Happy, healthy, and loved! 💙💙💙 #adoptedbylove

We were not expecting that the hospital would want us to stay the night with Samuel. It was so nice! It was just another special touch for us- a surreal moment. We were in the hospital just as if we had just birthed a baby, getting to experience the nurses checking on us and showing us how to do things. The hospital staff were so kind and helpful. One funny story is that Sean was changing Samuel’s diaper in the “crib” and I was sitting on the bed. Samuel peed all the way across the room and it hit me the face haha! (First of many LOL). We were both shocked and it was hilarious! The nurse had a good laugh, as well. She said little boys pee on her at least twice a night haha.  She was a funny Slavic nurse who we really grew to like. She was also militant and would let us know how she thought we should do things haha.

The social worker who had called us on Friday night was really thankful for us and the adoption plan. She was grateful that Samuel was going to a good home. They initially said that Samuel would have to stay in the hospital longer for observation, but they ended up releasing him earlier than expected. This was a BIG miracle!! Samuel is completely healthy. Let’s all shout out that GOD IS GOOD!

We were elated to hear the news that Samuel could be discharged! So, on Monday, March 14th, we put him in the stroller and rolled out of our room. The staff were so excited for us! They took a family picture of us in front of a backdrop on our way out. We got to the first floor and Sean went to get the car as it was frigid outside. There had been a sleet storm the night we arrived. While I was waiting for him to drive up, I just could not believe this was really happening! Like we are really going home from a hospital with OUR baby, OUR SON!!! Ah, just such a surreal moment- such a miracle! It was a real hospital experience. I mean, it was just everything I had dreamed of. God has been so good to me, so good to us.

We were able to take him home to Sean’s mom’s house in California while we waited out ICPC. It’s where the two states talk and ensure we meet their criteria in order to leave the state with Samuel. Thankfully, Ms. Shayla allowed us to stay at her home all 2.5 weeks that Samuel and I were in California. She has really gone above and beyond for us in this adoption process! She and Frank have been a huge blessing. Also, they were able to spend a lot of time with Samuel and bond with him, which wouldn’t have been as possible if it weren’t a TX/CA adoption. Another God wink! Also, Samuel met Sean’s dad and other folks that will be special to him.

We were staying in California, but about 4 hours from where Sean and I lived when we lived in CA. My CA best friends who I have not seen in over 2 years due to the pandemic drove 8+ hours round trip to meet Samuel! I cannot tell you how good this was for my soul. Some of my closest friends meeting my son was just a blessing. We had the best day! They gave me all the mommy advice and confidence. If this had not been a TX/ CA adoption, it would probably be a while before they would have met Samuel so I felt this was another God wink.

My wonderful friends ❤

On our last Sunday in California, Samuel went to church for the first time at Nana’s church. She was asked to fill in for someone in Sunday School. The topic of the day’s sermon was 1 Samuel 1. That is the book of the Bible that Samuel was named after- where Hannah cries out to the Lord for a child saying she will dedicate him to the Lord and He grants her request. She did not pick out the sermon topic. It was pre-chosen. This was another God wink. Samuel’s name means “God heard”. Every time we say his name, we are saying that God heard our prayers.

Sean and I chose Samuel’s name in August of 2018. We were working with an IVF clinic at the time. I saw this scripture, “For this child, I have prayed and the Lord has heard my prayer.”- 1 Samuel 1:27. I thought Samuel would be a good name and fitting for our journey, since Hannah could not have a child and was crying out to God for one. The next day, Sean and I were driving to our BIL and SIL’s engagement party and I asked him what he thought about the name Samuel. He said that oddly enough he had been thinking about the name Sam the night before and was trying to think of what the boy version of Samantha was- it was Samuel. So, we were thinking about the name Samuel/ Sam at the same time the night before. We came up with his full name on that drive- Samuel James Gill. Samuel for 1 Samuel 1 and James because it is my maiden name and my middle name now. At that point, I started believing for “Samuel”. We didn’t know that this is how he would come into our lives. At the time, we thought it was IVF but the IVF fail was just to turn our hearts toward adoption, which God did in a very clear way. I firmly believe that Samuel was always our baby. God knew he was coming. He was set apart for us and us for him since before he was born.

5 days old

I will tell you there have been TONS of miracles and there has also been a lot of stress due to the adoption process. I can’t really go into detail on that. There were days in CA where I really had to be intentional about focusing on our blessings because the stress was trying to steal from us. There were days I didn’t do as well at that and others where I did much better. Fear would try to sneak in and tell us that we would lose him somehow, etc. That’s what the enemy does, right? Thankfully, God has showered us with so many miracles along the way to help us stay in faith and keep our minds right.

One of the harder parts of the CA stay was being away from Sean for 1.5 weeks. We were there together as a family for one week and then Sean had to go back home. Thankfully, I had Sean’s family with me. The day we got approved to go home to Texas was a glorious one! We had no idea when that day would come and we could be reunited as a family. We were so excited to be able to take Samuel to our home and get into a groove here. We are so thankful that God got us to that point to go home.

Since being home, our family and friends from all over the U.S. have showered us with gifts for Samuel and meals. It has been SO helpful and needed! Even though it is an adoption, he is still a newborn. So, every bit of support has been so treasured and has been such a relief. We are so thankful!

Preparing for Samuel started over a year ago. We started preparing for fostering. In May and then June, our friends and family threw us foster-to-adopt showers. Crazily enough, that is around the time that Samuel was conceived. Can you believe that as we were preparing to foster and adopt that God was preparing our home for Samuel? That 9 months later there would be a son in our home that is ours? It’s just so surreal. God is so so good. Since we found out that Samuel was born and ours on the day of his birth, we wouldn’t have been able to have a baby shower beforehand and we would have been way less prepared for him. BUT GOD. God knew that the milestone of a shower was so important for me and he ensured that I had two perfect showers. I mean, God is good ya’ll! And since then, He has filled in the gaps of what we needed for him with gifts from our family and friends.

Samuel is SO loved by so many people! He has met so many special people and will meet many more over the next few months. We are overjoyed that we get to share him with family and friends that have been believing with us and supporting us for all of these years. People that have held us and kept us in faith as we have walked this journey. Samuel is an answer to so many people’s prayers! He is cherished in our home and among family and friends.

Meeting CA family and friends
Meeting Sean’s siblings, their spouses, and our nephews- Gill family
Meeting my family, friend, and Sean’s little brother

Samuel has Creole roots in Louisiana and he is also from Sean’s hometown in California. He is connected to us both in different ways. There are so many connections and ways that it seems that we were always supposed to be a family. It is amazing!

Tomorrow will be a full circle day for me. Samuel is getting dedicated to the Lord tomorrow on Mother’s Day. I cannot begin to express how much this means to me. It is a huge deal for me! I had no idea that last Mother’s Day would be my last emptyhanded. Since then, I became a foster mama and still carry those babies in my heart. Now, I am Samuel’s Mama. And I get to dedicate him to the Lord, who has been so good to me, on Mother’s Day. How powerful is that?

I think there are so many parts of Samuel’s adoption story SO FAR that cry out that there is a God, that He cares for us, that He loves us, and that He is in the details. There are SO many “coincidences” that I think there are too many to explain away to say that anything other than this was providential- a true miracle from God above. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God saved Samuel in multiple ways. He was adopted by love. God saved him for a reason. I pray that I will always steward well the incredible gift of his life. What God has done here resonates in me when I read these scriptures:

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me up out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.” Psalms 40:1-3

Please continue to pray for our adoption journey- that the process will be quick and less stressful and that God will protect Samuel in every way. We truly do need your prayers.

Easter 2022- God delivered on his Easter promise of adoption

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The Best is Yet to Come

I usually only blog when I feel compelled to and I feel compelled to today. For the last 7-8 months, we have been on a journey to be licensed to foster to adopt. The process can look different from state to state. In Texas, foster care is privatized so you cannot foster directly through the state. The state employs agencies to be a “middle man” for them. Each agency has their own culture, mission, and values. Basically, they follow the state’s regulations, but have their own overlays. It took us a while to figure all of this out before we transitioned our journey from private domestic infant adoption to “foster to adopt”. Anytime you change directions in a fertility journey, you have to start over from scratch. Meaning that any applications, home studies, or money you have spent starts back over. You cannot transfer paperwork or home studies from one agency to another usually. Perhaps somewhere out there, there are agencies that allow this but we have not encountered it.

I usually do review the financial aspect of this journey in my blog. I mainly do this because people have donated to our fertility journey in the past and I like to be transparent. Our private domestic infant adoption pursuit cost about $7K and the $5,600 raised via our GoFundMe went to pay for those expenses. We are so thankful that folks donated to that pursuit. One of the reasons we pivoted to foster to adopt was because what was communicated to us regarding the financial aspect of private domestic infant adoption was not the reality we were presented with. The consultants we went with told us that $38K was the national adoption cost average and that that was the minimum we needed to be able to pay. We were told we could set the amount we were comfortable with, which our highest max was $38K based on our ability to save, fundraise, get adoption loans, etc. Unfortunately, none of the adoption situations we were presented with were ever that low. All of the situations were much higher and we realized the average cost was closer to $50K. The financial burden of that journey was very heavy. Not to say we would never pursue it again, but it was a hard pill to swallow.

Another reason we pivoted to foster to adopt was because we felt God had called us to adopt (if you remember our Easter story) and we felt like there was a “yes” regarding fostering. Fostering had always been on our hearts. In fact, when we first moved to Texas and started pursuing adoption, we went to a foster and adoption meeting at a local agency. As I said before, the culture of every agency in Texas is different and this particular agency did not really have a heart for adoption. They let us know that if we were pursuing fostering to expand our family that fostering was not the option for us. We took them at their word and that is how we ended up pursing private domestic infant adoption. We said once we adopted, we would start fostering children. We have since found an agency that is more balanced in their approach- they want to reunite children with their families, but are so thankful for foster families who want to adopt when reunification is not possible.

We are really excited to be pursuing foster to adopt. We both love children. We have all of the resources to care for them, house them, and love them well. We feel blessed to be able to step up to meet their needs, even if just for a season. We are fully aware and ok with the fact that multiple children may come through our home before we have the opportunity to adopt. We are happy to be able to make an impact in their lives and be there for them in a hard season in their lives. We are also hopeful that at some point, we will be able to adopt and grow our family through foster to adopt.

We started the process to be approved to foster to adopt 7-8 months ago. I don’t want to exaggerate, but I feel like we have filled out hundreds of pages of paperwork- applications and questionnaires etc. We completed roughly 60 hours of training. We have had a physical, background check, and financial evaluation. Our home has been inspected 4 times. We had to prepare for those inspections by ensuring our house checked all of the boxes. I won’t go into everything we had to do, but it was a lot of work. We just completed a 2 part home study that spanned 6 hours where someone comes into your home and interviews you asking you about every detail of your entire life. Questions range from “What is your most traumatic childhood memory?” to “Do you feel you and your spouse are sexually compatible?” The questions are invasive and thorough. For the children’s sake, I am glad the questions are so thorough, but it is a lot.

The home study was the last thing we needed to do before being licensed. We are waiting on the home study report to come back right now. It should have come back on Friday but we have not heard from our home study agent so we are thinking that she has not finished it yet. If she finishes it before Wednesday, our agency will most likely meet on Wednesday to discuss if we are approved to be licensed or not. We have to fit within their approval overlays. Everyone says not to worry because we are good people, but you never know. I think we are both feeling a little stressed right now. We believe we will be approved, but there is always fear and a little doubt.

Given our experience with our fertility journey, we don’t exactly have a track record of things working out for us. God has been with us and shown up all throughout our journey and we are so grateful, but we still do not have children. A fertility journey requires A LOT of faith. It requires faith in a promise that has not been fulfilled and that you cannot see. [Please do not insert your cliches here. No offense, but cliches don’t help.] I feel like I am supposed to communicate what this part of the journey is like. I don’t know why, but perhaps, it is for someone. A fertility journey is like giving 100% in your faith in believing that you can have kids naturally, but then you cannot. Then, you take your grief to God and ask Him to be a part of it, to heal you, and direct your path. It is then finding out that there may be a chance through IVF with ICSI, putting aside all doubt to believe against all odds that you will be successful through IVF and ICSI, asking God to help you with the financial aspect and He does, and then the attempt was a HUGE fail. Then, it is taking all of your disappointment and loss to God and asking Him to be with you in the midst of sadness and defeat. God shows you your next steps but not exactly how to accomplish the goal of adoption. You choose private domestic, put your name in the hat for a child, once again put all of your doubts aside and choose to give 100% in your faith and belief for this to happen, and then find out that you were not chosen to be the child’s adopted parents. Now, once again, we are casting doubt and fear aside and revving up to put all of our faith into believing for foster to adopt licensure approval. We continue to be faithful to believe when we have not received yet what we have been believing for.

There are times throughout the journey where I have tried to figure out if there was a special formula. Am I struggling to put God first? Are my priorities out of whack so God won’t bless us? Are there things that need to be different in our lives in order to receive what we have been believing for? Is our past discounting us from our future? These are the questions you start to ask yourself. Am I praying wrong? Believing wrong? Hearing wrong? Then, after sorting through the questions, you commit again to have faith and believe 100%. You have others pray and believe with you. This is what a fertility journey looks like. It requires continued faith and trust after not receiving what you have been believing for in multiple situations. However; God has shown up in so many other ways during this journey to let us know that we do not have to carry this burden alone, that He will provide for us financially, and He is always there for us. I feel like I have been faithful to share many of the ways that He has shown up supernaturally via this blog.

I think part of what I am describing is not isolated to a fertility journey, but is part of the human experience. Most people have something they are struggling with. This is just our struggle. I was encouraged this morning by this scripture:

“Even though there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping- believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how many descendants you will have!” And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even though at about 100 years of age, he figured his body was as good as dead- and so was Sarah’s womb. Abraham never waivered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger; and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever He promises. And because of Abraham’s faith, God counted him as righteous.” – Romans 4:18-22

I pray that my faith continues to grow stronger. I know our marriage has grown stronger through this journey and that is nothing but God. Most people grow apart during adversity and I do not take this for granted. I am so grateful for how this journey has shaped each of us individually and as a couple. It has provided us the opportunity to grow so I would never take it back.

We started preparing a nursery last May when we were pursuing private domestic infant adoption. We felt like we were supposed to prepare a place for what we were believing for. We just had a crib, changing table, and painted a shelf and small dresser. We had a couple of sets of baby clothes. We didn’t go crazy with it, but we did do it. When people have come to our home over the last year, I have felt a little uncomfortable at times to have a nursery with no kids in sight. Sometimes faith makes you look crazy. I always think of Noah building the ark in preparation for a flood that no one else knew about. It made him look crazy, but he was faithful to do what God told him to do. In the end, he was right to be obedient. He was prepared when the rest of the world was not.

Once we completed the trainings and were pretty far along in the foster to adopt licensing process, we allowed ourselves to prepare for the children we would be receiving. Also, our agency wanted us to prepare by having two outfits and one pair of pajamas in each size in our age range, car seats, beds, bedding, etc. So, we were encouraged to prepare. However; I was still a little fearful of this falling through somehow and now we have all of this stuff. Just to provide a little more background, once you are approved to be licensed, you can have kids in your home a couple of days later. So, you really should be prepared before you are approved because it happens quickly. If we are approved on Wednesday, we could have kids in our home on Friday night. Everything would have to go perfectly for that to happen but that is how quickly things could come to fruition.

It has been really fun preparing to foster kids. I was able to buy clothes, baby things, kids things. It has been so nice to feel “allowed” to do that. Our TX friends threw us a foster to adopt shower that was really everything I hoped for- it was so much fun and our family and friends were genuinely excited with us. My LA family threw us another foster to adopt shower on my birthday. It was also everything I hoped for- truly beautiful and aesthetically pleasing, my Mawmaw Lucy came, we were surrounded by close friends and family. We have been truly blessed through the support of our family and friends during these last few months preparing for kids but also throughout this entire journey.

People have had to rally around us on more than one occasion. At times, I feel like we have used up and had to ask for so many prayers and support along the way. I am just so thankful for everyone that keeps supporting us all along the way. It truly takes a village. I know that all of the kiddos that come through our home will be so loved by everyone in our lives. We have a great support system and I am so thankful!

The last several months on this journey have really been joyous. We have been muddling through paperwork and inspections, but there have been some really bright spots in preparing for kids. We pray that God equips us and helps us to be good parents. We know parenting is not easy but thankfully we have great examples all around us.

Please keep us in your prayers this week. Specifically, we need prayers that the home study report will be completed before Wednesday, that the report will represent us well, that the agency will meet about us on Wednesday and approve us, and that we will be good foster parents to some kiddos. Thank you for your prayers and support all throughout this journey!!  

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Movement

I am about to wrap up my first Spring Break as a teacher! Since Sean and I are both teachers, we have been off together. We visited my Mawmaw and family and friends in Southeast Louisiana and we have been spending a lot of time with Sean’s family here in Texas. Our week has been packed full because we have also been trying to prepare our home for foster-to-adopt. Since my last blog 5 months ago, we vetted a new agency and made the decision to pursue foster-to-adopt! The story to choose this path is quite long and I am sure I will share it at a later date, but I just wanted to provide a quick update now.

Currently, we are in the middle of completing 52 hours of training in one month. We have a lot of homework- tons of paperwork, background checks, drug test, TB test, bloodwork, and a physical. We have home improvements to make, inspections to pass, and we are preparing children’s bedrooms. We are open to fostering and adopting a sibling group of 2-3 kids, ages 0-5. The agency requires us to be ready to receive a placement as soon as we are licensed. We should be licensed by early June if all goes well.

So, things are in full swing over here! We are excited, nervous, and trying to pace ourselves! I have a “get er’ done” attitude and I am working on making time for rest. I think I will always have to be intentional about that as it is my struggle. You really have to pace yourself in the midst of a “project” or you will burn out. Projects are longer races, not a sprint.

I think the behavior strategies and skills we have obtained as teachers are really going to help us as parents and specifically as foster parents. I feel really grateful that for the experiences I have had this year with some of my students. I’ve learned how to strategize regarding behavior and academics, get to the root of the problem, and de-escalate situations.

We found an agency that seems really balanced in their approach- they are proponents of reunification, but they are also excited for fosters that want to adopt in the case that is needed. Many agencies are not balanced and so we are grateful for this agency that seems to be excited about fosters who are willing to adopt. Our goal is to love on children while they are in our care, to provide a safe home, and to eventually adopt… understanding that some children may reunify with their birth families. In the end, we want what is best for the children.

We appreciate your support all along the way! Please keep us in your prayers now- that licensing will go smoothly, for the strength to get everything done in this window, to not get overwhelmed with all we have to do, and that God will connect us with the right children for our family- that the fit is mutual. Pray that we will make an impact, show God’s love, and will have the opportunity to adopt some babies!

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The Fog is Clearing

A lot has happened over the last couple of months. My mom had hip surgery and we cared for her, we had Covid, Sean’s uncle who we were really close to passed away unexpectedly and too early in life, we planned his funeral and flew to CA twice in a month, and I got hired as a Kindergarten Teacher. We have been running a mile a minute and things are just settling down.

As you may remember, we paused our adoption contract with our consultant because I was transitioning careers. Now, I have officially transitioned! I still have coursework to do in my program, evaluations to pass, tests to pass, etc. The journey is not over but I got a hired- wohoo!! I have been teaching for 5 weeks now. I am really enjoying teaching. Teaching students how to read, count, add, subtract, use scissors and glue, follow directions and rules, and be kind to each other is really rewarding. I am learning how to manage a classroom and behavior is improving. Things are progressing. Most of my students are at-risk, which comes with challenges to navigate. They are in my heart and on my mind constantly. I pray for them.

Even though the adoption journey has been on pause, God has still been working on our hearts. He uses the hard things to refine us. A couple of months ago, I went to an OB appointment as you may remember. She was a Christian doctor and told me she knew a couple whose journey was similar to ours. They had a vlog on Youtube and she told me to watch their videos for encouragement. Their story was very similar to ours- the husband had cancer when he was younger, as well. In all of our time dealing with this fertility rollercoaster, we have never met another couple who had a similar story to ours. Most couples deal with female infertility or other fertility issues other than impact from cancer. Our story is unique and has come with challenges that many other couples that face infertility do not face. So, this was HUGE for me that there was another couple out there that may be able to really relate with our specific circumstances. I looked them up on FB and realized they lived near us so I reached out via Messenger. The wife and I messaged and encouraged each other.

Well, about two weeks ago, we were in a coffee shop and I looked over and there they were sitting at a table near ours! Through conversation, we found out that they were there filling out their foster-to-adopt application! We were able to pray with them. Then, we all sat and talked about our journeys and compared notes. We learned some things from them that we did not know. Also, I feel like we were able to relate to each other’s experiences, the rollercoaster of emotions, the limited options, and the flexibility that is needed or pressed upon you in a journey like this one. It was definitely a divine appointment and one that made my heart so happy. We had been contemplating switching gears to foster-to-adopt so it was poignant that we happened to run into them when they were filling out their paperwork. We walked away feeling encouraged. Also, we felt hopeful for them for their journey.

When we started on this journey almost 4 years ago now, I asked God to help me to not get bitter. Until more recently, I have truly been able to have joy for others. Then, in the last several months when we received bad news or had to pause on our journey, I really struggled with questioning God, being frustrated with God, and even celebrating with others. I was reading Acts 16 yesterday. Paul and Silas were badly beaten with rods for preaching the Gospel and then they were imprisoned. While in prison, they were praying and singing praises to God. I felt like God softened my heart and reminded me that praise is where breakthrough comes from and that I need to praise even when things don’t go as expected. Not necessarily for Him, but for me… so I can have breakthrough, so I can be free, so I don’t get bitter. God is not the author of destruction, but He is all good. When bad things happen or when things don’t go my way, He is still worthy of praise. And it is through that praise where I will find my freedom.

More specifically, I feel like God was asking me for my praise and surrender- to praise Him even when it is hard and things don’t go my way. After Paul and Silas praised in prison, the prison shook and the prison doors opened. A bad thing had happened to them- they were beaten with wooden rods. The Bible says they were beaten badly. However; they still prayed and praised God. Then, the prison doors swung open. God does not cause the bad because He is good, but He will deliver us if we press into Him.

This is a journey of growth. I am so very thankful for my husband. He is a good man. He serves at food banks, is a giver, and cares for others. He’s a man’s man- a motorcycle rider, sharp shooter, fighter, and a Conservative. I am proud of the growth that he has embraced in this journey and how he has allowed it to mold and change him into a better person. I am proud of us for growing closer together, closer to God, and stronger through this journey. We are still believing for a miracle and walking more and more in surrender every day.

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Covid, Food, and Blessing

Well, Sean and I recently had Covid-19. We are now out of quarantine, happy, and healthy. I won’t get into my beliefs on Covid as a pandemic or politically, but I will share the facts of our experience. We know where we got it. Symptoms started for him 5 days after he was exposed and symptoms started for me 10 days after I was exposed. We both experienced fatigue prior to any real symptoms. For Sean, Covid presented itself with flu-like symptoms: body aches, heat flashes, headache, sore throat, fatigue, and congestion. For me (and I have asthma), Covid presented itself with bad sinus infection-like symptoms: horrible sinus headache and pressure, congestion (but not really stuffy- hard to explain), low grade fever, runny nose, fatigue, mucus in my throat, and slightly labored breathing when I went outside in the heat and humidity ( I was mainly ok inside in the AC). I never had to use my inhaler. We both lost our sense of taste and smell for several days, which is not typical of the flu or a sinus infection. Neither of us really developed a true cough. Sean’s symptoms were more mild but lasted longer at about 12 days while my symptoms were more intense at first (although still considered mild) and lasted about 10 days. We both struggled the most at night as the symptoms would crank up right before bed so it was difficult to sleep. I slept in the recliner a couple of nights because when I would lay down, the sinus headache would come on really strong. That only lasted a couple of nights with the recliner and the nights were not fun for about 5 nights all together. During the day, we both felt much better but just felt “sick” and fatigued. All in all, it sucked but it was not life threatening.

To reiterate, Sean just felt like he had the flu and I felt like I had a bad sinus infection. A person who has asthma and has a sinus infection may feel different than someone who does not. Since I do have asthma and have had a sinus infection, that is the kind of experience Covid was for me. They are comparable. The worst part for Sean was the body aches (which I never had) and the worst part for me was the intense sinus headaches and pressure.  The doctor prescribed Predisone for me (which helped a lot and I highly recommend if you have asthma) and I used Maximum- Strength Mucinex expectorant and cough suppresant, Sudafed Pain and Pressure, Elderberry syrup, fresh cut pineapple, and mint tea with honey. Mucinex, fresh pineapple, and honey are all excellent ways to reduce mucus. Reducing mucus is helpful in not letting your sickness turn into something more serious. We are blessed that this was our experience as we know some people are not as fortunate. We are blessed that it was a mild experience. Also, we are excited that we now have antibodies and know what to expect. And we are super glad we are no longer in quarantine!

The reason why I am sharing this in my ABL blog is because Covid served as a great reminder to me of how to support folks who are going through something. The number one way you can support someone who is sick, grieving, or overwhelmed is by bringing them food or sending DoorDash or GrubHub gift cards. When someone is not feeling well, the last thing they want to do is cook but they still have to feed themselves. If you provide meals, that allows them to not have to cook or do that many dishes. They can focus on getting well and on the other essential chores in their house. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law dropped off so much food for us- deli meals from Costco, frozen lasagna, pizza, tamales, Aussie bites, Cinnamon rolls, and bottled water. Also, they picked up some meds for us since we were not allowed to go anywhere. This was such a HUGE blessing and really allowed us to rest!! They went above and beyond and we are super grateful. One of our other friends sent us a GrubHub gift card, which was so appreciated. A key to this is to just drop items off and don’t stay. When people aren’t feeling well, they can’t or don’t want to entertain so set them up for success by just dropping it off at their door and texting them to let them know it’s there. Things happen and you can’t always do that for those in your life, but if you can, do it! People will really appreciate it. We are going to try to pay it forward in the future and this was a great reminder for us.

Another thing that stood out is that some of our family and friends called or texted to check in. It’s always nice to know that people care and are thinking of you when you aren’t feeling up to par. It is a thoughtful way to communicate to someone that you care. Life gets busy and hard so you can’t always be that person consistently, but try when you can. All in all, Covid served as a reminder of ways to be impactful and supportive when others are down. I try to find meaning or a lesson in subpar circumstances and I was reminded that providing food is king when folks are not doing well and checking in communicates you care. Be a blessing when you can.

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Some Days are Dark

I should be working on my schoolwork right now. I set goals for myself and I need to accomplish them. However, here I am writing about my pain. I recently studied Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. If all of your needs are not met in one level, you are stuck at that level. One of our basic physiological needs in the first level is to reproduce. This explains why Sean and I can’t just move past not being able to have children, but most times, are giving it our all and it is our focus.

I am not in a great place today. I went to a new OB yesterday and had to fill her in on my fertility history, which included our fertility journey. I was reminded of how we tried to get pregnant naturally (before we knew what we know now), each month was a rollercoaster as we hoped for a pregnancy. Then, how we endured sperm tests over the course of 9 months. I remembered how it was so final after the first test and then hope and possibility came after the second test. It was with that hope that we pursued IVF with ICSI. We knew going into it that we had a 5% chance of success and we accepted the challenge as it was our only way to have kids biologically. Eight eggs were retrieved after weeks of injections. Then, only one of those eggs fertilized. That dear little embryo did not make it past a Day 3 formation. What a sobering day when we got that news!

Many people have been complaining about how bad 2020 is. 2020 is a walk in the park for me compared to 2019. 2019 was really dark after receiving that news in February of 2019. Also, I developed a mild form of OHSS a few hours after egg retrieval. I gained 5 pounds of fluid in my abdomen, which suggests internal bleeding of the ovaries. The fluid moved up through my abdomen and crossed the diaphragm, which caused excruciating neck pain. Within a few days, the fluid started decreasing but I felt that neck pain whenever I laughed for at least 6 months after that day. It was not as bad as it had been in the beginning, but it was there and worried me. My PCP had no experience with IVF and its’ side effects and did not really take that pain seriously. She said there was only an issue if I was having frequent hiccups, which I was. I told her this, but she still just ignored my complaints. The pain is no longer an issue, but it was a frustrating experience. The aggressive hiccups still occur. Two weeks after egg retrieval, I caught the flu and was down for a week. Then, a week after that, I got kidney stones. The doctor said that the fluid in my abdomen plus the flu had dehydrated my body and my body’s reaction to dehydration was kidney stones. Kidney stones were excruciatingly painful. We learned that my body does not do well with IVF and it may be risky to do it again.

So, began many sad months of grieving our loss of not having biological children. There are days where that reality hits again – like when you have to relive your fertility history with your new OB and it kicks you down- and I have to take the time to grieve. I have not shared every detail of the medical prognosis but it is really dim. It would truly be a miracle if we were to ever conceive. We are hoping that God will perform a miracle one day and we are not ruling that out, but we also grieve the reality.

We moved to Texas and then started pursuing adoption a year ago. All of my friends have had children, except one couple. All of my cousins who are married have had children and then some who aren’t. All of the women in my infertility group have had children, except one. All of our married brothers and sisters have had kids. Everyone is living their lives. This journey just feels really lonely and hopeless at times. We set goals at the beginning of the year every year. Last year, all of our goals were accomplished except having a baby. All of our 2020 goals have been accomplished so far except having a baby. I hate to post a sad, sappy pity party kind of post, but I feel like we have been doing all of the right things. I wonder when it is going to be our turn. We have been on this journey so long, it almost feels abstract- like we are working toward a goal that we can’t see or touch and it’s just hard to imagine sometimes if it’s really going to happen.

We have overcome so much. So many odds have been against us. We have grown so much and I am so thankful. Yet, I feel forgotten. I know it will all happen in the right timing, but when will the timing be right for us? When will it be our turn? Plenty of undeserving people get their turn. I don’t understand today. Today, I am struggling.

Also, it’s not fair for my husband either. His number one goal in life was to be a father. He is SO good with kids. I hate that this is being withheld from him.

So, what’s next? I already journaled and read my Bible. Now, I am blogging. Next, I will listen to worship music, pray, and try to snap myself out of it. I will be successful in doing so. I already know that. God will show up and help me.

I feel a little guilty writing an entry like this because I don’t think it does justice to how faithful God has been to us and continues to be. But I remember that David cried out many a time in the Psalms- pouring out the darkness he was battling to the Lord. He poured out his heart to God and also praised Him in his circumstances, even when he didn’t understand. Even when he was desperate for God to move and was not seeing it happen quite yet. It’s ok to be real and to share the darkness you’re battling with- with community and with God. It doesn’t detract from Him. It’s ok to be human and to struggle.

What stands between us having a kid through adoption right now? A $20K adoption loan and the right situation. Even if we had the loan, God would have to orchestrate the right scenario and those birth parents would have to choose us. It would have to line up. He can do it. I know one day this journey will all make sense and work out. I believe a ministry will be born out of it one day.

Things are not always sunshine and rainbows over here. There are hard days. Thankfully, it doesn’t last as long as it used to. All in all, I am living my best life right now. I am grateful for all of the good in my life. Things look impossible right now, but I have to believe for a breakthrough. A miraculous breakthrough. Faith is all I have.

Please keep praying for us. I hope people are actually praying for us. We need it. In the meantime, I am going to keep asking God to grow us in whatever ways are necessary to be ready for children. He will get us through. The dream will come.

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Enlarge Your House

For several days, I have been feeling strongly that God wanted me to write another blog post. And that I needed to “tell my story” and “be honest”. Honestly, I started this blog for the very same reasons- that I felt led to. It is difficult for me to share this journey, at times, because we are still walking through it. We don’t have all of the answers, we haven’t reached our goal, and some of what we experience is very raw. It is much easier to share a story after you have already received your happy ending, but much more vulnerable to share while you are going through it.

Today, I finally committed to sitting down to write this blog. It’s funny- I did not realize until about 5 minutes ago that today is August 10th. If you read my last blog, you will remember that we said yes to an adoption situation and the birth mom chose another family. That baby was supposed to be born today, August 10th. How ironic that God has been pressing on my heart to write a blog and today is the day that I am writing it. God is funny like that.

A lot has changed since my last blog. I have been feeling for a while that I was in the wrong industry career-wise. I was excellent at my job and had built my career up. However, I felt like I was being called to education. I received several God confirmations, but still had a hard time letting go of my career to transition to another. Most of my hesitation had to do with fear- fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of financial change, and fear of letting others down. One major factor was that a fertility and adoption journey are very expensive and I made more money than I would make as a teacher. I was scared to take the plunge, even though I felt like God wanted me to. Also, it was hard to let go of what I had worked so hard to build up. I finally did it at the end of June. I am now 100 percent certain that this was what I was supposed to do.

I received a text from a person who wishes to remain anonymous on the day that I going to put in my notice. We scheduled a time to connect later that evening. I put in my notice that day and was feeling worried, nervous, and hopeful that I did the right thing. I talked to this person that evening. We caught up on her life and then I shared that I had put in my notice that day. I explained why- that it was a high stress career, that I worked a lot of over time and that was not aligned with the dreams I have for raising a family, and that I felt for a while that I was being called into education. She shared with me that she wished she would have transitioned from her high stress career earlier in life. Every lie and fear that I had been believing are ones she brought up as what had held her back and if she had to do it again, she would have transitioned to another career. She encouraged me that it is always better to do what you feel God is calling you to (even if you mishear) and that God sees our heart and honors that we are pursuing what we feel is Him, even if we find out it wasn’t. The conversation was exactly what I needed to hear and I felt it was another confirmation I did the right thing. Then, she said that she wanted to explain the real reason why she called. She felt for several days that God was pressing on her to give us a significant amount of money. I was floored. Floored by her obedience and floored because I knew that my biggest fear in transitioning careers was provision and affording adoption. She said there were no strings attached- that we could use it to supplement our income during this time of transition or to go towards adoption. Let me reiterate- she called me on the very same day that I put in my notice at work letting me know that God pressed on her heart to give us a certain amount of money. Again, He is concerned with the details of our lives.

In the following days, other things transpired that really hit home that it was the right move for me. I can tell you that I am living my best life. I was accepted into a teaching program prior to putting in my notice and am about 27% of the way through the requirements to be allowed to teach. I have been recharging and developing a self-care routine. Every weekday, I have my coffee, open my planner to write down three things I am grateful for, review appointments, set school and housework goals, and write down what I accomplished the previous day. I pray and read my Bible. I am reading several books that are developing me. I listen to the news. My husband is a teacher and has been off for the summer (although he is back to work now). We used that time off together to have fun with each other and to purge and reorganize our home. He is still working from home so we are still working on purging and recharging. This time has been such a blessing for me and I will never forget it. Also, we just got back from spending a week and half in Louisiana. I was never able to visit for that long before because my job only allowed one to two weeks off a year (depending on how long you had been there) so I would only come in for 3-4 days at a time. While there, we were able to visit many family and friends. Also, we were able to care for my mom after her hip surgery and be there for her when she really needed us to. I was able to help her purge and re- organize her home, which is something I have been wanting to do for a long time. There are things I have been wanting to do for a long time that I just didn’t have the capacity to do before. This season has been refreshing, needed, and is occurring at the perfect timing.

I was hired as a substitute teacher for a substitute staffing company in our area. I will be applying to other districts near me, as well. Once students go back to school in person, I will sub until I finish my requirements to teach. At that time, I will pursue a full-time teaching position. I will most likely be finished with the requirements by the beginning of October and my goal is to have a full-time teaching position by January. I am pursuing those goals but am also approaching it with a “hands open” approach as I am open to whatever God wants to do. Since my husband is a teacher, we have been able to talk about what I am learning in my teaching program and share that common ground together. It has been fun! We are both excited that we will be able to share techniques and experiences with each other and have the same holidays and breaks off. We really wanted to be able to have more family time and trips over the summer. That wouldn’t have been possible before with my previous career but will be possible when I am a teacher. I am SO glad I took the risk and that I am no longer watching everyone else live a life they love, but am pursuing that myself.

We have been pursuing family growth for almost 4 years. The thing about a fertility and adoption journey is that life continues while you are in the midst of it. In my case, I kept telling myself that I would change careers once we had a baby biologically, then when we created a baby through IVF, and then when we brought one home through adoption. I kept putting off making necessary changes until we achieved our biggest goal- having a baby. We have felt so close so many times and then it didn’t happen. It’s like being in a long race and they keep moving the finish line further out. At some point, you have to give attention to other areas of your life so that you can continue enduring in the overall race. We have done that throughout our journey- we have taken time to grieve and rest and to focus on other dreams. One big dream we pursued was moving to Texas a little over a year ago. That positioned us to be closer to my family and some of Sean’s family. It also allowed us to purchase a home. Now, we are taking a little time to create a better life where I am in a career that I love and that aligns with our personal goals.

If you really think about it, all of these changes that we have pursued will help our future children to have a better life, as well. They will grow up closer to their family, have a home to grow up in that is ours, both of their parents will have the same schedule as them once they are in school plus holidays and summers off together, and home life will be better because their parents are working in jobs they enjoy. We are making friends in Texas now. And we just became members of our church yesterday after attending for a year. Things are lining up.

I mentioned before that we set up a nursery. This was a faith move for us. We watched a Steve Harvey motivational video where he preaches that you need to prepare for what you are believing for. For several months, we had that on our mind and finally set up the nursery sometime in May. Most weekdays, I pray in that nursery. I wrote down scriptures about fertility and faith and speak those over our lives and over our future baby.

“Enlarge your house, build an addition. Spread out your home, and spare no expense! For you will soon be bursting at the seams…”

Isaiah 54:2-3

We feel called to adopt. We feel called to foster children. Also, we are hoping that one day God will perform a miracle and give us a biological child. We have spent $6,500 so far on adoption. Roughly $7K has been raised for our adoption through our GoFundMe, outside donations, and our ABL bath salts and sugar scrubs fundraiser. We have personally saved about $18+K (in addition to the $6,500 already spent). This comes from budgeting, saving, and cashing out what remained of our retirement. That’s all of our eggs in one basket. All together, we currently have a little over $25K saved. This does not include the money someone gave to us on the day I put in my notice. We did qualify for a $20K adoption loan, but this is on hold until schools go back to in-person teaching and I am able to sub or teach. Most adoptions cost between $38-45K so that would fill in the gap. That total doesn’t cover all costs associated with adoption, just the actual situation. So, we are in the waiting again until we re-qualify for the loan as 3 of our agencies cost about that much. We are still “live” with one adoption agency that only costs about $20K. However; they don’t place babies with families that often. Also, if we were to connect through the grapevine with a birth mom who wants to place their baby for adoption, we could do this because it would be exponentially cheaper. If you hear of anyone looking to place their baby for adoption, let us know. We are hoping for a miracle. We are believing for breakthrough accompanied by miracles. Also, we are seeking God to see what our next steps are.

We have been having discussions about parenting- getting into the real, nitty gritty. We have different parenting styles so we have been talking through things and compromising. It is not always easy! We are able to observe our family and friends who have kids and use what we see as points of discussion. I guess that’s one of the perks of not having kids when everyone else does- we get to learn from watching others. We tuck away the good that we see that we want to emulate and learn from others’ mistakes. We know we will make plenty of our own mistakes and that every child is different, but I am thankful that we are having these conversations now.  

I do feel like before this was paused a little due to my career transition that I had been carrying the adoption weight on my shoulders. I don’t mean that Sean has not been working his butt off too because we both have. What I mean is that I think I was not fully giving it to God. I felt responsible for all of the money we needed to raise and was just carrying this big boulder while walking up a mountain. I am going to do my best to not pick that up again. This is God’s journey. I don’t totally know what it looks like. But I am surrendering and trying to listen. I was trusting and believing before, but I had not surrendered. I know that almost seems like the same thing but I have realized it is actually a little different.

I did want to share some things we do practically to save but still live out our core values because I think it may help someone else. We tithe and give beyond that to support causes and people that we know who are having a hard time. I have noticed that God protects our finances now. I cannot tell you how many times we have received a refund from companies saying that they overcharged us. Just the other day, the IVF clinic was audited and they apparently overcharged us so we are receiving an $800 refund check for a service they did not complete. I don’t remember that ever happening to us before we started tithing. I think God guards and protects our finances. We buy used cars. It’s 2020 and both of our cars were made in 2008. We buy Hondas and Toyotas and always comb through the reviews before we purchase. We have been fortunate to have great success with purchasing reliable vehicles so far. Most of our vehicles have been bought outright with cash due to their lower cost. We bought a home that was the same monthly payment as our previous rent. Based on our debt-to-income ratios, we could have afforded a much higher payment/ more expensive house but we chose to live well within our means and bought a lovely, updated home that was built in 1979. I love older homes and it is a great house with an inground pool and a bigger lot! Also, we are actually saving money each month since buying (versus renting). You just can’t beat that! We go on vacations, but try to make them shorter- like 2-3 days. Shorter vacations are cheaper but can still be relaxing. We don’t want to wait to enjoy our life until everything is perfect because we are not promised tomorrow, but we try to operate in wisdom. Also, we usually stay in an Air Bnb so we can cook most of our meals and only go out to eat a couple of times. We each have a mutually agreed upon allowance for personal spending. Proactive health is important to us and is one of our core values so we do try to buy organic (fruits, veggies, and meat), invest in good supplements, and essential oils. However; I believe this saves us more money in the long run because we get sick less. Getting sick is expensive once you add up doctor’s visits, prescriptions, and days missed from work. We buy generic or store brand as much as we can. We cook a lot at home, but we do still have date nights. Moving to TX from CA is saving us so much money in traveling. When we go to Louisiana, it is a tenth of the cost we paid before. We put all of our expenses on our Southwest card and pay it off at the end of each month. This allows us to build up points so all of our flights are essentially free, when we do fly. We review our finances before making big purchases to determine if we can really afford it. We are currently purging our house and selling or donating what we don’t need. It is always good to take inventory and get rid of things that you don’t really use. We buy clothes from places like Ross, Marshalls, and Wal-Mart. We buy home décor from yard sales, Ross, and Marshalls, but a lot of our décor was gifted to us at our wedding or for a birthday. We bought our living room furniture from Big Lots and buy other furniture from FB Marketplace. We do good at our budget most months and on months when things get out of whack, we re-evaluate and buckle down. Hopefully, these tips and tricks help someone else on their financial journey.

Just a reminder, we paid off all our debt excluding student loans totaling roughly $30K before we ever started on our fertility journey (about 4 years ago). We paid thousands towards IVF (in addition to those who donated) and paid for a cross country move to TX in the last 2 years. $18K in savings is what we personally saved for adoption after all of this occurring in the last 2 years. We found out that we had fertility issues less than THREE years ago and were not planning for that kind of hit. I am very proud of us for living on a budget, still making memories, and still being able to save as much money as we have in this short amount of time. We have worked hard, but God has also blessed us and helped us to operate in wisdom. We really aren’t perfect at it but we have built things into our lifestyle like driving used cars that allow us to save more to accomplish our goals.

I am in the waiting, but I am growing. I am focusing on putting God first, finishing my program, self-care, spending time with Sean, purging and re-organizing our home, loving on others, and preparing for our future family. You can be in prayer for us that God grows our family soon, that He opens the doors, provides the finances, and sustains us during this long journey. Let us know if you know anyone that is interested in placing their baby for adoption.

Blessings,

Michele

Righteous Indignation- The Foster Care System

Why are foster families leaving foster care so often? Why are social workers leaving foster care so often? Well, there is a dangerous ideology that is being taught to a young generation of social workers in the foster care system. That ideology is reunification with the biological family is the number one goal, even when the bio family is not safe. This is reunification at all costs- that cost is the children. Of course,  it is best for children to be with their bio family… when the family is safe and will take care of the children. However; children are being reunited when that is not the case. 

I have been in the foster care and adoption world for several years now. Here are a few examples from foster families that I KNOW. One of the stories is our foster babies story, but I won’t specify which one for the privacy of the children…  

A family fostered a child for over two years. When he came to them as an infant, he had endured physical abuse, which resulted in a broken arm. Since he was placed with the foster parents as an infant, he knew them as his mom and dad. Over two years later, he was reunited with a bio family who weren’t really his parents (his parents were the foster parents who had cared for him) and who had caused him unspeakable trauma as an infant. Leaving his foster parents would obviously be traumatic given the level of care while he was in their home and his familial attachment to them. Less than a year later, his bio parents murdered him. This made a lasting impact on me personally. When children are placed back with the bio fam, I have seen that social workers stop checking in within a month. If kids are going to go back to a situation where they have been severely abused, social workers should be checking in often to ensure the same abuse is not occurring again. This child should have never been reunited and then he should not have been left without the oversight of the state. 

Another example… A bio mom and dad had lost rights to four of their other children. They were on m$th and the bio dad was incredibly abusive. The second child lived with them until three years of age and then was removed by child services. The child had m$th in his system because it is pervasive. When it is near, it permeates into everything it is around- food, clothing, people. The third and fourth children were born with m$th in their system and were removed from the family at birth. The kicker is that child services let the bio parents have visitation while they were actively high. This endangers children because people who are high on m$th are not safe. Also, if it is on their skin or clothing when they hold the children, it can permeate their skin. This is an example of how the foster care system is catering to the rights of bio parents when it is not safe for the children. The fourth child also had neurological issues due to severe drug exposure in the womb. There are no criminal charges for this, even though he is the one to suffer the consequences for the rest of his life. 

Another example… A toddler boy and infant girl were removed from their home from neglect. In this case, the boy had been removed three times and the girl had been removed twice as she was only seven months old. Their bio mom had mental health issues that caused her to be unable to take care of herself. The state would come in several times a week to deliver her meds and groceries. The social workers would ensure that she took her meds while there. However; she was in charge of administering her own children’s meds without any oversight. Their meds were unlabeled and she could not tell the social worker how much the child should be receiving even though she was actively administering the meds while the social worker was there. The child would receive the medicine and fall asleep. His diaper rash was so bad that he had sores. Their mom kept company with men who were charged with violence towards children (whose own children had been removed by the state) and the infant daughter was pictured laying in bed with one of them. Her home had a revolving door where people were in and out.  She would use threats of suicide as a way to get her adolescent son to comply. He would, in turn, emulate that behavior at school- threatening to k-ll himself when he didn’t get his way. The children were kept in a pack n’play all day, which limited their movement and delayed their developmental milestones. The bio mom did not work and there was no reason for their extended time in the pack n’ play. The infant daughter was given a bottle and left to feed herself, even though she could not hold the bottle so she was not eating. The toddler boy would steal her bottle from her. The final straw that caused their removal was a social worker showed up at the home to drop off the mom’s meds and the toddler boy had a plastic bag trash bag wrapped around his neck while in the pack n’ play. Within one month of being placed with the foster family, the infant girl gained four pounds, sat up, was crawling, and started pulling up. With proper nutrition and ability to move about, she was hitting milestone after milestone. The toddler boy started walking with more ease. He also gained weight. The children were placed back with their bio mom, even though she did not work the plan given to her by the state and she could not take care of herself. She was supposed to take parenting classes and go to a counselor, which she did not do consistently. There was no proof of a change, but they were reunited. Also, they had been in and out of foster care, which causes trauma from being removed and being reunited. Both are traumatic.

Another example… bio mom and dad were on m$th. They had lost parental rights to their first five children. This is not taken into account with any other children that are born. Each case is its own. The next set of five children were removed due to the parents’ addiction and lack of ability to care for their kids. The kids continued to be placed back with the bio parents then back into the system. This continued multiple times until they were over five years old. It is traumatic for children to be removed from their bio home (unless the trauma is so severe and it is a relief for them) and then traumatic to be placed back (once they have made familial attachments to their foster family). Also, if they are placed back with the bio fam but they are unable to care for them, it is traumatic when they come from a foster home that has been caring for them. To go from a high level of care to a low level of care and love is traumatizing. The parental rights were terminated after years of the children going back and forth from living with the bio fam to foster care. The kids suffered their own mental health issues because of all of the trauma of the back and forth and what they experienced while in the care of their bio fam. This trauma can be minimized when bio families are required to work their state mandated plans to receive their children back and when there is a maximum number of times that kids can go in and out of the foster care system before termination of rights is required. 

Another example… This is current and one that is very upsetting to me. A set of infant twins, a girl and a boy, were enduring physical abuse from their bio parents. The infant boy’s abuse resulted in irreversible brain damage. The bio parents are facing criminal charges, but are not in jail at this time. Both infants were removed, but the judge signed for the infant girl to be reunited with her parents since the abuse did not cause irreversible physical damage to her. The state is requiring visitation with the bio parents and their infant son. Every time he goes to visitation, he breaks out in hives. This is most likely a stress response because he experienced severe trauma from them. They also put him in clothes that are many sizes too small for him and the clothes could have an allergen on them. The CASA (child’s advocate) and ad litem (child’s attorney) have submitted documentation that the reunification of the infant daughter and the visitation with the bio parents and the infant son are not in the best interest of the children- that it is unsafe for the kids and causing more trauma. The judge will not listen. He has child deaths on his record from other families that he has reunified. This is what happens when reunification is king instead of the well-being and safety of the children. Foster care should always be about what is in the best interest of the child, and most importantly, their safety. 

You may have noticed one of the trends here- m$th. The root of the majority of foster care and adoption situations that we have been exposed to is m$th. I did not know anything about it before we started this journey. It is rampant and the cause of the breakdown of families, abuse, and neglect. The longer a person is on it, the less care taking abilities and familial attachments they have. They may do things that they would never do when sober. It is an epidemic. As I stated before, most don’t realize that m$th permeates whatever it is near. If it is kept in a home, the children are very likely exposed- it can be found in their body and hair. This exposure can cause many side effects. Also, it usually stays in their system for a year. Many times, there are lasting neurological damage to a child.

Kids are removed to keep them safe, and also as a wake up call to their bio parents. A large number of children are being reunited when it is NOT safe. Children have a right to live in a loving, safe environment where they are well cared for. The goal of removal should be that it is a wake up call to bio parents that causes great change in their personal lives and parental choices that rehabs them into safe parents. Unfortunately, children are being required to attend visitations with bio families when it is not safe or healthy for them. They are being reunited when parents have not worked their state mandated plans. They are being placed back with bio parents without any post-placement supervision. Foster parents are incredibly scrutinized and there is a great amount of oversight when a child is in a foster home. It is very strange that upon being placed back with their bio fam that oversight ends. Yes, workloads are heavy, but to place kids back in a home that has been abusive without any extended oversight is negligence. When we adopted Samuel, we were required to have six months of post- placements visits with the social worker to ensure that we were safe parents. Foster and adoptive families are required to have post- placement visits and scrutiny, but bio families who have abused and neglected their children are not once reunified. 

Back to the original questions. Why do foster families stop fostering so often? Why do social workers quit so often? Many reasons, but usually not because of the children. One of the biggest reasons is the heartache that comes with knowing a child is being reunited with a family that is unsafe. Not that they have gone back home. There is heartache there too but it is bearable when you know they are going back to bio parents that have worked to become safe. It is unbearable when they have not. Reunification is on such a pedestal in the foster care system that it calls into question their motives- could it be quotas or cyclical cases means more money paid out? Young social workers are being fed an ideology that plays out as reunification at all costs. The cost is to the children. Reunification should occur only when a home is safe and often, this is not happening. Many times, foster parents have to pay out of their own pocket for a lawyer to fight the foster care system that is supposed to protect the children. 

What am I proposing? Let’s review. One, that the safety and well-being of the children is the number one priority. Reunification is only best when parents are safe. Two, visitation with bio parents is allowed when parents have passed a drug test and when it does not seem to be further traumatizing the child. Three, reunification occurs once bio parents have worked their state mandated plan and have shown tangible change. Four, reunification is not the goal for every situation as some abuse should demand termination of rights without the ability to work a plan. As of right now, death of one of the children is the only cause of adoption being the goal of a plan from the time of removal. Five, post- placement visits occur after reunification for six months. Children are interviewed privately multiple times to ensure that abuse has not resurfaced. Six, there is a limit to the number of times a child can go into foster care before parental rights are terminated. It is traumatic to go back and forth. Seven, judges that have child deaths due to their placement and reunification decisions should be monitored and receive oversight. Judges who have high rates of cyclical foster care situations, kids coming in and out of the system multiple times, should receive oversight.

I mostly have experience with Texas’ foster care system. I have experienced amazing judges that truly care for the children and judges that do not seem to be operating in the best interest of the child. Each story shared here will not apply to every state or county’s decisions. Many times, the system is failing the kids. For every child that is placed for private adoption, there are dozens of families waiting. The issue is not the lack of willing families. The issue is that many are hesitant to be part of a foster care system that reunifies when it is not safe. We can do better and we must do better for the sake of the children.

“Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; uphold the rights of the oppressed and the destitute.” Psalms 82:3

“Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows.” Isaiah 1:17

“O Lord, rescue me from evil people. Protect me from those who are violent, those who plot evil in their hearts and stir up trouble all day long. Their tongues sting like a snake; the venom of a viper drips from their lips. O Lord, keep me out of the hands of the wicked. Protect me from those who are violent, for they are plotting against me.” Psalms 140: 1-4

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

I am going to be faithful

I am going to be faithful. I am going to be honest. I’ve gone through a very painful experience recently. I had to make a choice. I had to stand up for myself and there were consequences for whichever decision I was going to choose. I protected myself and hopefully protected those in my care by taking a stand for them. Prior to this decision, I prayed, sought godly and experienced counsel, and talked with my husband. We counted the cost and decided the choice I was going to make was worth it.

The first two weeks after making this decision, I was filled with righteous indignation. Now, the dust has settled, and I am counting the cost. It’s those moments alone when the enemy can come and attack. What has that looked like for me? “You are not any further ahead to accomplishing your dreams than you were before. For all your hard work and attempts, you are in the same position.” I am having to actively overcome that lie. This is me overcoming the lie with an argument.

First, the evolution of my husband is a miracle from when we first got married to who he is now. The way he loves me, the way he cares for me, the team that we are, seeing him praise God in church with no reservations, the giver that he is. I am so incredibly blessed for the work that God has done in him and grateful that Sean has allowed that work. He has always had a heart to be a better person. I have never known anyone who can grow and change the way he can. He is hard-headed, but eventually receptive. Once something sinks in as truth for him, he is unstoppable at embracing it and letting it transform his life. I am so incredibly grateful and blessed to be his wife. I never imagined that I would be so blessed. As I was reflecting on this today, I was acknowledging that part of the reason for his growth has been our trials. We have endured some serious trials in the last 7 years of marriage- mostly surrounding fertility. I hate the trials we have endured and yet, I would not take them back because they have molded my husband and myself into better people and a better team.

I am blessed with the sweetest, most empathetic little dog I know. Cajun Gill is a feeler, a worrier, very protective, he loves hard, the best cuddler, and Mama’s boy there is. Cajun was an answer to a dream. I had a long-haired, black and tan standard dachshund growing up. I always wanted a short-haired miniature dachshund as an adult. He was given to us by dear friends as a wedding gift. We had a lot of growing to do as puppy raising dog parents, but we eventually got it right enough. We did not know that we would not be able to have children, but God did. Cajun has been a child to us. Sean will say “he’s just a dog”, but he would save that little dog from harm against big odds. We love him to pieces. I am thankful that God has provided that provision in our lives and thankful for our friend who gave him to us.

I am so thankful for the little family I have. Since August, I have been working 60-70 hours a week. I wasn’t able to spend time with them the way I wanted or cook dinner consistently. I am grateful that I can do that now. I have been reflecting on how important that is to me. I think more changes are coming as I continue to build my life on my values- valuing family time more than a career or money.

I digress. We made progress in the fact that we moved to Texas, which was a dream for a while for us. We do not regret leaving California, but we are still debating on if Texas is our forever home. I am happy we pursued that dream. We went on a grand adventure with one another that allowed us to buy our first home, be closer to Sean’s siblings, and make more frequent trips to visit my family since they are closer, as well. We found an impactful church home that has been such a blessing for us. We have grown through this Texas adventure. We pursued more family time and we accomplished that, we wanted to own a home and we accomplished that, and we made more friends along the way.

I transitioned from a successful career in Mortgage to Education, all while pursuing adoption and foster care. My goal in transitioning was to have more time with my family, work in a less stressful industry, and have a more rewarding career in a humanitarian sense. This transition and recent events have illuminated to me how my value of family time is still very important to me. I am reflecting on how I can slow down and accomplish what I set out to do in regards to family time. I want to properly combat the lie in this area that I have not made progress- I completed 1.5 years of teaching, completed 180 units in my program, 30 observation hours, 6 projects, and passed the EC-6 Content, ESL and STR exams on my first attempts. I did very well on my first program observation. I finished my first year of Kindergarten teaching with accolades from my AP resulting in a lengthy and glowing recommendation letter. My students grew from critically low to mastering the standards by the end of my first year of Kindergarten teaching. I made it through my first year of teaching during a Covid year- teaching in person and virtual. My students this year all grew from the 1st 6 weeks to the 2nd 6 weeks. That growth was so rewarding to me. I am at an impasse and I will continue to seek God and pursue the opportunities in front of me. I will be faithful to the calling and to hear His voice. I will pursue this career within the boundaries of my values- family first.

The most difficult area to address is the area of family growth- the lie that you are not any further along than you were before. We found out 4 years ago that conceiving biological children would be nearly impossible for us. We had tried to have kids for about a year before receiving that diagnosis so we are approaching 5 years on this journey. We started at just trying to conceive naturally, to learning of the diagnosis, to receiving trauma and marriage counseling, to pursuing a successful exploratory procedure, to IVF- hormone injections, egg retrieval, embryo creation, embryo death, tragic loss, rare side effects, to private domestic infant adoption, to foster-to-adopt licensure, and to fostering sweet babies for 7 weeks. We have saved, prayed, had family and friends rally around us. We still do not have the fruition of our dream of children, but we are not where we started. We are overturning every rock, exhausting every option. Fostering was put on hold after our babies went back to their bio family because we wanted to focus on being good employees and grieve the loss. Now, we are trying to decide when is the right time to welcome more children in our home. We want to make sure we are in the right position to receive them. 2021 was a challenging year as we worked for 7 months to be licensed and had our babies for 7 weeks. It was also the year of some dreams received like having baby showers to celebrate with us and provide for potential foster childrens’ needs, I was “allowed” to shop for children’s clothes and necessities, we got to experience for the first time what it would be like to be parents- that we are damn good at it but we also have some growing to do. Also, it revealed our deep need for community and a support system. Unfortunately, we are not at the end goal, but we are not where we started.

I have made progress in self-care. I have learned how to care for myself- what I need to do to detox, what play is for me. I have learned how to stand up for myself and am doing so sooner and sooner each time. I have gone to counseling and received healing in multiple areas.

One of my goals years ago was to go on trips and not forsake date nights with my husband. Times where we were super saving, trips were a little sparse. Evenso, God has blessed us with trips to NYC and most recently Honolulu. We have gone on multiple beach trips, been to concerts, comedy shows, and fun date nights. When we were first married, we lived in an apartment that was smaller than our suite in Honolulu. Yes, God has blessed us.

God and I have been on a journey. I have overturned ideologies that were unbiblical, unearthed and pursued truths, and have stopped trying to earn His approval. I have seen miracles. I hear Him. I feel in some ways that our relationship has taken a hit through all of the tragedy, but then in other ways, I feel like it has grown deeper. What I do know is that our relationship is not the same as it was when I was in my early teens and 20s and that is probably a good thing. It has become less religious and more spiritual. Less about rules and more about communing and hearing. I do feel like I worshipped Him and trusted Him with a more pure heart back then but what I can say is that I have been faithful throughout all of the trials. I have been faithful to come back to Him when I don’t want to at times, I have been faithful to bring my pain to Him, faithful to pursue Him when I don’t understand, I have tried to faithfully give Him credit where credit is due. I cuss a little more than I should, which may disqualify me in some arenas but it does not cut me off from His love and His faithful work in my life. I might overindulge in some areas, but His love still shines through for me. I am still standing on the Rock that I committed my life to so many years ago. I am still pursuing Him and I am not giving up. He is bringing me from glory to glory and faith to faith.

So, to answer the lie that enemy has been trying to whisper, THERE HAS BEEN PROGRESS IN EVERY AREA OF MY LIFE. I AM NOT IN THE SAME PLACE. I AM MOVING FORWARD. What God began in me, He will be faithful to complete. My dreams will come to fruition. I will trust, wait, and move when I need to.

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The Calling

As you know, our babies went back to their bio mom last weekend after being with us for 7 weeks. It is hard because it seemed like a premature return given their current situation. 

Today, I am washing our babies’ laundry. It’s a painful process- throwing clothes in the washer that they have worn many times. Their clothes. I’m going through their diaper bags- seeing their bottles, shoes, diapers, etc. Mind you, we packed big care packages for them that will last for at least 2 weeks. 

As I am doing this, I am reminding myself that we, Sean and I, are called to foster, called to adopt, and we are called to teach (career). Many times, our calling is not easy. It is painful, challenging, and discouraging. However; it is also rewarding. I remember that they were safe with us, fed, and joyful. They were loved and had a routine. They had attention and play. We read together, prayed together, played together, went to church together, the park, and the splash pad. We tuned them up medically and dug in to get the care they needed. We sacrificed and were blessed. They blessed us forever. I’ll always miss them. 

Our babies will have folks praying for them for a lifetime. I pray for them every morning. They will always have a home to come back to. 💜

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