I am going to be faithful. I am going to be honest. I’ve gone through a very painful experience recently. I had to make a choice. I had to stand up for myself and there were consequences for whichever decision I was going to choose. I protected myself and hopefully protected those in my care by taking a stand for them. Prior to this decision, I prayed, sought godly and experienced counsel, and talked with my husband. We counted the cost and decided the choice I was going to make was worth it.
The first two weeks after making this decision, I was filled with righteous indignation. Now, the dust has settled, and I am counting the cost. It’s those moments alone when the enemy can come and attack. What has that looked like for me? “You are not any further ahead to accomplishing your dreams than you were before. For all your hard work and attempts, you are in the same position.” I am having to actively overcome that lie. This is me overcoming the lie with an argument.
First, the evolution of my husband is a miracle from when we first got married to who he is now. The way he loves me, the way he cares for me, the team that we are, seeing him praise God in church with no reservations, the giver that he is. I am so incredibly blessed for the work that God has done in him and grateful that Sean has allowed that work. He has always had a heart to be a better person. I have never known anyone who can grow and change the way he can. He is hard-headed, but eventually receptive. Once something sinks in as truth for him, he is unstoppable at embracing it and letting it transform his life. I am so incredibly grateful and blessed to be his wife. I never imagined that I would be so blessed. As I was reflecting on this today, I was acknowledging that part of the reason for his growth has been our trials. We have endured some serious trials in the last 7 years of marriage- mostly surrounding fertility. I hate the trials we have endured and yet, I would not take them back because they have molded my husband and myself into better people and a better team.
I am blessed with the sweetest, most empathetic little dog I know. Cajun Gill is a feeler, a worrier, very protective, he loves hard, the best cuddler, and Mama’s boy there is. Cajun was an answer to a dream. I had a long-haired, black and tan standard dachshund growing up. I always wanted a short-haired miniature dachshund as an adult. He was given to us by dear friends as a wedding gift. We had a lot of growing to do as puppy raising dog parents, but we eventually got it right enough. We did not know that we would not be able to have children, but God did. Cajun has been a child to us. Sean will say “he’s just a dog”, but he would save that little dog from harm against big odds. We love him to pieces. I am thankful that God has provided that provision in our lives and thankful for our friend who gave him to us.
I am so thankful for the little family I have. Since August, I have been working 60-70 hours a week. I wasn’t able to spend time with them the way I wanted or cook dinner consistently. I am grateful that I can do that now. I have been reflecting on how important that is to me. I think more changes are coming as I continue to build my life on my values- valuing family time more than a career or money.
I digress. We made progress in the fact that we moved to Texas, which was a dream for a while for us. We do not regret leaving California, but we are still debating on if Texas is our forever home. I am happy we pursued that dream. We went on a grand adventure with one another that allowed us to buy our first home, be closer to Sean’s siblings, and make more frequent trips to visit my family since they are closer, as well. We found an impactful church home that has been such a blessing for us. We have grown through this Texas adventure. We pursued more family time and we accomplished that, we wanted to own a home and we accomplished that, and we made more friends along the way.
I transitioned from a successful career in Mortgage to Education, all while pursuing adoption and foster care. My goal in transitioning was to have more time with my family, work in a less stressful industry, and have a more rewarding career in a humanitarian sense. This transition and recent events have illuminated to me how my value of family time is still very important to me. I am reflecting on how I can slow down and accomplish what I set out to do in regards to family time. I want to properly combat the lie in this area that I have not made progress- I completed 1.5 years of teaching, completed 180 units in my program, 30 observation hours, 6 projects, and passed the EC-6 Content, ESL and STR exams on my first attempts. I did very well on my first program observation. I finished my first year of Kindergarten teaching with accolades from my AP resulting in a lengthy and glowing recommendation letter. My students grew from critically low to mastering the standards by the end of my first year of Kindergarten teaching. I made it through my first year of teaching during a Covid year- teaching in person and virtual. My students this year all grew from the 1st 6 weeks to the 2nd 6 weeks. That growth was so rewarding to me. I am at an impasse and I will continue to seek God and pursue the opportunities in front of me. I will be faithful to the calling and to hear His voice. I will pursue this career within the boundaries of my values- family first.
The most difficult area to address is the area of family growth- the lie that you are not any further along than you were before. We found out 4 years ago that conceiving biological children would be nearly impossible for us. We had tried to have kids for about a year before receiving that diagnosis so we are approaching 5 years on this journey. We started at just trying to conceive naturally, to learning of the diagnosis, to receiving trauma and marriage counseling, to pursuing a successful exploratory procedure, to IVF- hormone injections, egg retrieval, embryo creation, embryo death, tragic loss, rare side effects, to private domestic infant adoption, to foster-to-adopt licensure, and to fostering sweet babies for 7 weeks. We have saved, prayed, had family and friends rally around us. We still do not have the fruition of our dream of children, but we are not where we started. We are overturning every rock, exhausting every option. Fostering was put on hold after our babies went back to their bio family because we wanted to focus on being good employees and grieve the loss. Now, we are trying to decide when is the right time to welcome more children in our home. We want to make sure we are in the right position to receive them. 2021 was a challenging year as we worked for 7 months to be licensed and had our babies for 7 weeks. It was also the year of some dreams received like having baby showers to celebrate with us and provide for potential foster childrens’ needs, I was “allowed” to shop for children’s clothes and necessities, we got to experience for the first time what it would be like to be parents- that we are damn good at it but we also have some growing to do. Also, it revealed our deep need for community and a support system. Unfortunately, we are not at the end goal, but we are not where we started.
I have made progress in self-care. I have learned how to care for myself- what I need to do to detox, what play is for me. I have learned how to stand up for myself and am doing so sooner and sooner each time. I have gone to counseling and received healing in multiple areas.
One of my goals years ago was to go on trips and not forsake date nights with my husband. Times where we were super saving, trips were a little sparse. Evenso, God has blessed us with trips to NYC and most recently Honolulu. We have gone on multiple beach trips, been to concerts, comedy shows, and fun date nights. When we were first married, we lived in an apartment that was smaller than our suite in Honolulu. Yes, God has blessed us.
God and I have been on a journey. I have overturned ideologies that were unbiblical, unearthed and pursued truths, and have stopped trying to earn His approval. I have seen miracles. I hear Him. I feel in some ways that our relationship has taken a hit through all of the tragedy, but then in other ways, I feel like it has grown deeper. What I do know is that our relationship is not the same as it was when I was in my early teens and 20s and that is probably a good thing. It has become less religious and more spiritual. Less about rules and more about communing and hearing. I do feel like I worshipped Him and trusted Him with a more pure heart back then but what I can say is that I have been faithful throughout all of the trials. I have been faithful to come back to Him when I don’t want to at times, I have been faithful to bring my pain to Him, faithful to pursue Him when I don’t understand, I have tried to faithfully give Him credit where credit is due. I cuss a little more than I should, which may disqualify me in some arenas but it does not cut me off from His love and His faithful work in my life. I might overindulge in some areas, but His love still shines through for me. I am still standing on the Rock that I committed my life to so many years ago. I am still pursuing Him and I am not giving up. He is bringing me from glory to glory and faith to faith.
So, to answer the lie that enemy has been trying to whisper, THERE HAS BEEN PROGRESS IN EVERY AREA OF MY LIFE. I AM NOT IN THE SAME PLACE. I AM MOVING FORWARD. What God began in me, He will be faithful to complete. My dreams will come to fruition. I will trust, wait, and move when I need to.
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AdoptedbyLove 