I made a commitment to myself and to God to blog once a month about our adoption story. I realized it is a really hard commitment to uphold because there are things that I have not fully processed, things that I don’t want to write about, and things that are raw that I don’t want to open up to scrutiny. I always try to look for the lessons in a season. It helps the season to become meaningful for me. I listened to an episode of Brene Brown’s podcast “Unlocking Us”. She and the guest speaker, David Kessler, discussed grief and finding meaning in grief. David worked closely with Elizabeth Kubler- Ross who coined the 5 stages of grief. After David’s young son passed, he asked Elizabeth’s family if he could add the 6th stage of grief- meaning. The stages are actually not linear, but can appear in a different order for each person. Also, you don’t hit one stage and then graduate to the next. You can move back and forth between stages. For anyone who has grieved, you know that grief never truly, fully goes away. You become different and there is a new normal. This is the nature of suffering. I digress. What I learned in this podcast is that finding meaning in grief is one of the stages of grief- a newly coined stage that has been a very real part of my journey. I’ve heard the saying “God does not waste anything”. If I can grow in some way through the journey, then I feel all of this pain was not wasted. It was not for nothing. I have not found the meaning yet in our most recent letdown. I am in some other stage.
In May, my husband and I finally said yes to an adoption situation. We were able to because we personally put a lot of money in savings last month and then so many truly kind, supportive folks donated to our GoFundMe. Also, this situation was a little cheaper than the others. We are still talking $41,500, but that is cheaper than other situations we have seen. This allowed us to be able to say yes for the first time. We were elated!! The way it works is you receive an adoption profile of a birth mom and after careful consideration, you decide to “present” to the birth mom. Your profile book is sent to the birth mom amongst other hopeful, adoptive families’ profile books. The birth mom has two weeks to decide which family she wants to choose to raise her baby (she can also decide that she does not want any of the adoptive families and request more candidates). This was the first birth mom that we felt we had similarities with- physical similarities, similar interests and hobbies, and similar ideologies. Also, I felt certain that she would choose us. I definitely knew the odds that were stacked against us and truly understood the reality of the situation- that she might not choose us. However; I felt that there was no way that she wouldn’t with so many similarities between us. I let myself dream. The baby was due in a few months. I already felt behind and started nesting immediately. I created a baby registry and asked for advice. We started reading our parenting books a little more. We prayed for the birth mama every night and for her little bundle of joy. We were and are so ready.
It’s not really real until she says yes, though. We received an email a couple of weeks ago that she chose another family. I have actually been pretty numb about it. I guess that is the stage of grief I am in. We did pray that if this was not the right situation, God would protect us from it. So, I felt like that was part of it. The other part of me just feels like this is how our journey goes. Every time we are really close to expanding our family- so close where we can almost touch it, the sand falls through our fingers. I am used to that. So, used to it that I have just felt numb.
We have put most of our other dreams on hold over the last several years. Once one avenue for having children goes away, we pursue another dream for a short time or go on a short trip to decompress. Then, we turn our attention back to family growth. I will say I have been numb about the particular situation, but not about our journey overall. I have wanted to quit. Not necessarily because it’s getting harder. I guess it’s because the journey just keeps getting longer. I feel stuck in a lot of areas because it is hard to change any other area of your life when you are going through a fertility/ adoption journey. It is an emotional rollercoaster and it is hard to commit to anything other than surviving while on it. Surviving for me looks like being excellent at my job. I don’t have the capacity to do more than be good at my job and be on this adoption rollercoaster. If other things happen in my life outside of that, I just don’t have the capacity to handle it the way I would have before I was on this family growth journey. The journey takes all of you. Survival is a must so the two must go hand in hand.
I have been really close to just quitting all together lately. Not totally sure what that looks like, but laying in bed curled up in a ball is one of the ways that comes to mind. I haven’t fully done that because there is always too much to do but it is a fantasy I indulge in.
I think folks are really feeling what it is like to be in a season without an end date with the Covid crisis. Life has totally shifted for so many. We are locked up in our homes learning about George Floyd. Many are heartbroken over that, including me. All of it together kind of reminds me of the sorrow, uncertainty, and helplessness of a fertility/ adoption journey. I hope no one thinks I am insensitive for saying that- just trying to draw a comparison.
I said this in my last blog and I will say it again- memes and cliches don’t really help. If you are going to share something with someone, really sit with yourself and ask yourself if I was on the receiving end of this, how would I feel? Would it actually help me? Sometimes we want to respond with something because it makes us uncomfortable not to say anything helpful so we dig around for memes and cliches. Then, we feel relieved when we share them with someone because it relieves our discomfort. But you really have to ask yourself, is this helping me or them? True story. I find that actual scripture shared helps or when someone says something like “I know this is hard. It’s ok to be sad. You are so strong. I am sorry. I am praying for you, etc etc”. This is something that I am working on in my interactions when others are going through something. I am not perfect at it. It is truly something that is not natural for most people and that you have to work at. I will tell you that it is so worth it to put in the work because when I receive messages from folks who are truly “sitting in it” with me, it helps.
Things are not totally sad. I am truly blessed in so many areas. I have a loving, trust filled marriage, a precious furbaby, and a beautiful home. We have the best family and friends. Mine and Sean’s families have been supportive, faith filled, and encouraging. My friends have been so supportive and stuck with me through this long rollercoaster for which I am forever grateful. I know it is not easy. There are many things to be thankful for.
I am not sure if this blog is helpful for anyone. If it helps you, please let me know. Part of me feels like I am just pouring my grief out into a blog and I am not sure if that is helpful for anyone or not. Today’s blog is definitely more raw. I feel like previous blogs were more “lesson filled”, but I have not found the meaning yet. I am praying for breakthrough. I ask that you would pray with me. We really need breakthrough in our journey.
AdoptedbyLove 