A Longing Fulfilled is a Tree of Life

My last blog started with the first part of a scripture- “Hope deferred makes the heart sick…”. The rest of that scripture is “… but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”- Proverbs 13:12.

Sean and I have been together for almost 7 years (in 5 days) and 5.5 years married. We found out in December of 2017 right before Christmas that conceiving biological children would most likely be impossible- even with IVF (Now, I say to that “but God”). Sean had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma cancer when he was 9 and it greatly impacted his fertility. This was a HUGE hit for us on so many levels. We spent the next several months reeling from the blow. Then, in June 2018, Sean had an exploratory procedure that revealed that we may have a shot at IVF with ICSI. We started working with the clinic in August 2018 to prepare for IVF. They were incredibly unorganized but were the only clinic within an hour of where we lived so we had no choice but to use them. I know others who have had great experiences with this clinic, but I believe they had an influx of patients and were unable to excellently handle the workload at the time we started pursuing IVF with them. Due to several setbacks, we were unable to actually start the first part of IVF, which is preparation for egg retrieval, until February 2019. You can read in detail how that played out for us in my last blog post (Holding Space-Feb 2020). To make a long, painful story short, egg retrieval ended in heart break as NO viable embryos were formed. Thousands of dollars lost on a bed of dead dreams. Also, I endured several health issues from the egg retrieval process.

We were very confused. We felt that it was revealed to us through the exploratory procedure that we had a shot at making viable embryos- a glimmer of hope- and it just ended in nothing. We wondered why hope had been revealed if nothing was produced. People gave to our IVF GoFundMe, family donated separately, and we put in thousands of our own savings. We placed all of our faith in God and in the viability of the embryos, even when it looked dismal, and it still did not work out. The finality of this blow was much more real than the first time around when we received news in December 2017. There really were/ are no other options for us to have biological children outside of that option and it was incredibly unsuccessful. We went to work each day giving 100% and licked our wounds in the evenings and weekends. Cooking, cleaning, and socializing were all pushed aside.

Two months after our loss, we went to church on Easter Sunday 2019. We were still reeling from the blow and the light was not breaking through. There was a guest speaker who preached a sermon titled “Adopted by Love”. He talked about the Father’s heart for adopted children- how the adopted have more legal rights in the New Testament than the biological children, how the Father chooses the adopted child, and how God’s love mirrors that for us. The pastor had all TEN of his children there. He asked them to stand up- they were all different colors, some biological and some adopted. He shared testimonies of how his adopted children came into his family. Also, he and his wife started an adoption agency in Kansas (I think) because they felt that most agencies made the process so difficult and expensive so they wanted to offer a better way (We have looked into their agency but they do not offer out-of-state adoptions). The sermon was incredibly profound for us and I knew while listening that we were called to adopt. It was like the sun started parting the clouds for me. Sean felt the same thing, but I think God knows Sean better than anyone so He didn’t stop there.

The church we attended, Jesus Culture, was a church plant in the area and we were sitting in the bleachers because church was in a high school gym that day. A little girl around one and a half with curly brown hair was running on the floor below the bleachers. Her mom was chasing her around, which was kind of funny to watch. This little girl was so cute that every time she ran by, you had to crack a smile. Sean pointed her out to me twice in the service and we shared a moment laughing together. We realized that she and her family were sitting in the row behind us. During services, Sean usually takes the paper bulletins and makes origami flowers or animals. Then, after the service, will give the gift to a child or elderly person sitting near us. This day was no different. He made an origami lily and after the service, we walked over to the family and he gave the flower to the girl’s mom to give to her. Her mom immediately started crying. We stood there not really knowing what was going on. Then, she pulled herself together and said, “I’m sorry- she’s adopted”. The service really impacted her and when Sean gave her the flower, it sent the message. Now, more to be revealed later about the flower. In that moment, Sean broke down and I started tearing up. We had entertained the idea of adopting, but had a lot of fear about it and did not have peace about pursuing that yet. Sean really struggles with doubt from time to time so I felt that God was not only having us hear a sermon about adoption, but was bringing everything full circle- to end the moment with meeting a family that we had been watching and finding out that their daughter was adopted. I feel like we both had this thought- “we could love a little a girl like that as our own”. It made the idea of adoption much more tangible for us. I regained my composure and told the family that we were now crying because we had just had an unsuccessful IVF attempt in February and had been considering adoption and that this moment was really powerful for us. At this point, everyone is crying or tearing up. We talked to them for 30 minutes and decided to meet them for lunch the following Sunday after church to learn more about their story.

I won’t share their entire story here because I feel that is theirs to share, but I will share the part that pertains to us. They revealed to us at that lunch that they had been considering adopting another child, a girl who they would name Lily, and were praying about it. After the service, Sean walked up to give them an origami lily. They felt in that moment that God had confirmed for them that they were supposed to adopt another baby. Also, in that moment, God was fully confirming for us that were supposed to adopt a baby. It was a full circle moment for both families and I believe it is not a moment you can explain away as coincidence but points to the fact that God is real, He is moving, He is in the midst of your brokenness, He is involved in the details, He is present, and He is still moving TODAY. He is not the God of yesterday, but He can be active in your life if you are willing to be receptive.

I have not felt led to share this story on social media until today, but I felt God prompting me to “share your story”. So, I believe this is for someone in their current season. This is the deal- you can receive a word from God, but it also requires walking it out. Walking it out in faith is hard. Also, some words are for a season and can change. I say that mainly to bring freedom to those who are trapped in living out things that are no longer their calling (but I do not feel that really applies to us in this situation). So, always be in tune- listening for what next steps are.

Once this Easter moment occurred, we were free. I mean we really had a breakthrough in our daily grief. We knew what our next steps were, we had peace and joy, and we could decompress a little. We decided it was the right timing to pursue another dream of moving to Texas, which we did this past summer. Once we were all settled in our rental, we started pursuing adoption. It has been a long, grueling process. They make you jump through more hoops than is imaginable and it is incredibly, excruciatingly expensive. BUT God. We recently purchased a home and were able to do so without touching our adoption funds. We were not planning to purchase at all, even though it was something we wanted, but it all worked out. We are excited because we will have a permanent home to raise baby in. Also, as a statement of faith, we will be setting up our nursery soon.

Fertility and adoption are journeys that require intense faith. You really have to press in when things get hard and make space for grief and self-care or you just won’t make it. Many are experiencing in this COVID season what it is like to be in a season that you are unsure of when it will end. It seems like life is stuck on hold and there is no real end date. Imagine living this way for years. Imagine believing that a season will end for years and experiencing setbacks all along the way- receiving positive news then negative news, but never the actual thing you are believing for. Sometimes I entertain the idea of quitting, living on a more relaxed budget, and going on international vacations. Sometimes I entertain being free of the burden.  However; you cannot give up. You have to press through because if you give up, you will not have children. The stakes are really high in our circumstances. Fighting to stay in the right mindset is necessary and a constant battle.  

Prior to learning about our fertility issues, we paid off over $30K in debt excluding our student loans. We work really hard and live a financially conscious lifestyle. We make good financial decisions and have great credit. To pursue IVF and adoption in less than 3 years has caused sacrifice. People will do anything for their children and so will we- as we are now doing. However; most people don’t have to spend $65K over 3 years to accomplish having children (to clarify we have not spent all of that money yet, but most likely will by the end unless God intervenes). Everyone has their own hard and this is ours. It has been a refining process. It has been a humbling process. Even with all of our good planning and financial stability, this is not a burden we can carry alone. We have had to invite people into this journey. That has been hard. It requires vulnerability to invite people into your pain- to have to depend on people for prayer and counseling. It requires vulnerability and humility to invite people into your story and fundraise by selling handmade bath salts and sugar scrubs.

I feel like the last bit of pride was stripped away this weekend. For at least a month, Sean’s co-workers have been telling him to make a GoFundMe. They felt like we would get a large response throughout the school he works at and the community and did not understand why we hadn’t done it yet. It was mainly because of my pride. I told him that people contributed to our IVF GoFundMe and I just could not handle reaching out in that way again. I just didn’t want to ask again. I didn’t want people to get the impression that we were not working our booties off over here trying to make this happen and were just expecting a hand-out. Also, I felt that we asked during IVF and that we had just maxed out our network- like people were not willing to contribute anymore. Typing this out, I feel like that was a lie from the enemy I was believing that was keeping us from blessing. And keeping others from blessing. Also, when we opened up during our IVF journey, people would message me saying things like “Have you tried chiropractic?” “I have these great supplements that you can take” “Have you tried this or that?” It was like we had opened our story up to be scrutinized and that was really hard. We are intelligent. We tried all of the things. I wanted to be like “Oh, does chiropractic or your supplements create viable sperm?” LOL! It is absurd and yet these were the kinds of messages I was receiving. Disclaimer: We love chiropractic and are on great supplements. Even when we were moving to Texas, people were like “Maybe you’ll get pregnant because you will be happier there”. *Insert sarcasm* Sure because happiness is the reason we are not pregnant now.  I was scared that when we went public about ABL that we would get the same kind of questions, which is a lot to handle. Now, I understand that people say all of these things because they are trying to help. The burden is a big one- there is not an easy solution and people feel the weight of that. It makes them uncomfortable so they want to try to solve it. There is just not an easy solution to our situation. I digress. I finally said yes to starting a GoFundMe after Sean’s co-workers pressed him to once again. And I am glad that I did. Sean forwarded me the below message that his co-worker sent out to the school that Sean works at.

From Taylor:

“Hey Guys!

These are crazy stressful, often depressing, times. I read a great post on Instagram the other day. It said, “when things don’t seem to be going right for you, find a way to be a blessing to someone else.” One of our own, Sean Gill, has been working hard for years to be able to provide a loving home to a baby. As we all know, adoption is incredibly expensive and this pandemic is not making things any easier. With the stimulus checks starting to come in, I’d like to challenge those who can to donate may be a few dollars to Sean’s Go Fund Me. Let your few dollars be like ripples in a pond to help this family! Feel free to share this post with your friends, family, churches, fan clubs, adult softball teams, prayer chains, next door pages, etc. and challenge them to do the same! Let’s work together to foster some positive energy and pour blessings on to this deserving family. Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Let’s do this!”

Ya’ll! This touched my heart so deeply that someone who we have only known for a few months is entreating others wholeheartedly to support us in this journey. In the last 2 days, we have received 3 times what we raised in two months of our handmade bath salts/ sugar scrubs fundraiser. It reminds me of the story in Matthew chapter 6 where Jesus takes a boy’s 5 loaves of bread and 2 small fish and multiplies it. I feel that we have been doing everything that we know to do, we are giving all that we have to do this, and it has not been enough, but God said “I will multiply this”. I believe He will continue moving in this. I have to remember that the One who told us to adopt will PROVIDE. Yes, we will keep working hard, saving money, applying for grants, running the bath salts/ sugar scrubs fundraiser once the stay-home orders lift, but I believe God wanted us to invite community into this in a greater way. To see the response to our GoFundMe has been overwhelming. There are people donating that I don’t even know.

Sean and I have made it our goal to be givers, even though we are pushing toward this goal of adoption. We tithe monthly (which was hard at first), we give to human trafficking efforts through Answer International, we support a child through World Vision, we give to those in need around us as we are made aware, and we try to serve at our church’s food bank as our schedules allow. I don’t say this to toot our horns, but I want to say it as a challenge. When you give, you receive a blessing, as well. I believe because we are givers, God blesses our finances. We constantly receive refund checks when we are over-charged. I did not start noticing this until we started tithing. I believe God wanted us to invite community into this because miracles are supposed to be a community thing. It requires more than just you. The paralyzed man in Luke 5 was carried to where Jesus was by his 4 crazy friends. They got to experience the miracle just as the paralyzed man did. His ability to walk was restored right before their eyes- he received the miracle of walking and they received the miracle of greater faith. I believe that while I was trying to hold our burden on our own shoulders- not letting many in for a while, that God wanted us to share the burden because miracles are a community experience. When others see it, it builds their faith.

If you have been following our journey, you will probably notice that this blog is a little different than my normal posts. It is filled with faith. The reason why is because your giving to our GoFundMe has encouraged me. I feel like we are not alone in this. The burden is lifting a little without us being the only ones to raise it. It has recharged me with faith for the future and reminded me of why I need to stay in faith and why I need to be more open about this journey and let others in- because burdens were not meant to be carried alone and when you allow others to give and be a part, they get to experience the blessing of a miracle. When you deprive people of the ability to give, you rob them of their blessing and perhaps the building of their faith. It takes faith and community to accomplish things that are bigger than you.

My word for this year was breakthrough. I felt that this year would be a breakthrough year in all areas accompanied by miracles. We have already seen that with our new house. I am believing we will see that with our baby- that we will bring a healthy, happy baby home in 2020 that is the right situation in all areas.

Thank you all for your support! I just wanted to let everyone know how encouraging it has been for me!! It lifted me up. We are thankful for you.

One last thing- I believe that if everyone who came across our GoFundMe link gave $10, we would hit our goals. I am believing for big things- for a miracle. Also, I believe that if people don’t give, God will make it happen some other way. As I said before, He is the one who inspired us with this dream and He is the one who will PROVIDE. Watch Him work and be a part of the miracle, if you feel led. What God starts, He will finish.

.

.

.